Adventures of a Frazled Military Wife

Surviving to Thriving

2012-01-15T10:00:00.001-08:00

There are many days in the past where I did what I could to get through the day. I just needed to survive the day. During deployment this was especially true. At the height of trying to find Parker a proper medication and help for him in school, I did what I could just to survive. Before I knew it I went from day to day just surviving.

Last week I started school. I'm carrying a full course load along with trying to manage the children, house and soon a deployed husband. I had it in my head that we would have to survive it. I had my mind made up that with homework, house chores, children's schedule, husband's schedule, a needy dog, etc that we would just simply have to hold our breath and make it through this season of our life.

Monday came along and I went to class as scheduled. I had planned dinner to be in the slow cooker because I knew that I would be late getting home, a neighbor picked up Parker so I didn't have to worry about him getting off the bus and walking home alone, the tween and teenagers made it home and left me a voicemail message. The day went smooth. no hiccups in the road. I was relieved and thankful. That night I felt good about the day.

The rest of the week played out much the same way. Children made it home safely from school, didn't kill each other while I was commuting home, and were in decent moods when I arrived home. School went well. Again I found myself thankful that we are weathering this part of our family life well.

I didn't plan on more than simply surviving this part of my life. I was sure that it was going to be chaotic and I would have to slip into my big girl panties and deal with it. I knew that God was leading me to school and I knew that I was following His direction. I also knew that He would work out the details of all the other things that needed to fall into place.

Call me crazy but this past week felt like one of the best weeks for us as a family. We did dinner together as always, regular activities, and yet some how we were more connected. How could that be? I'm still not sure how or why that happened. I'm not wasting time trying to figure out the why. I'm simply saying thank you.

For a long time I have blogged about feeling lost or like a caterpillar trying to fight my way out of a cocoon. I have felt that way since we moved here over 4 years ago. I would take on different tasks or volunteer positions and still felt the same way. At this moment I have so much peace. Who would have ever thought you would hear someone say they have peace after they started college? Not to mention I will have a daughter in college and my youngest daughter will graduate high school when I graduate. How does that create peace? The answer is simple. It's not the situation that has created the peace in me. It's God. I FINALLY listened to what He was telling me.

I always knew I would end up back in school. There were definitely times in our life as a family that I would have not succeeded in school. But as I look back at the past few years I can see how God was laying the bricks on the path one step at a time for me to be at this point. Our sweet Parker has some of the best medical people around him. He is doing well in school and the school no longer has me on speed dial. Those were definitely days of simply surviving.

I know during this season there will be days ahead that we simply survive and get through. Like the day my husband has to leave again. We will simply get through that day. We have been very spoiled with having him home for a solid 8 months. So D(deployment) day will be hard this time around. But I know that God already knows that. I know that He is laying the brick on the path to that day.

When my attitude was to simply get through the day, that's all we did. We got through the day. I say we throughout this post because like any other mama that runs their house I know that I set the tone for the house. If I am cranky so is everyone else. If I am singing and dancing while I cook breakfast so are my girls. My boys just shake their head and walk away as if to say they totally don't get girls. :) I'm going to focus more on thriving through the day instead of simply surviving.

Proverbs 2:15 NLT "Good planning and hard work lead to prosperity, but hasty shourtcuts lead to poverty."

I think in the past I was trying to shortcut my way around what God was trying to lead me to all along. I'm not sure I'm fully out of the cocoon yet but I feel as if I am stepping out. I was trying to shortcut the work in front of me and during those days I definately felt the spiritual poverty. I was not fulfilled, lonely, cranky, irritible, just down right miserable.

Once I truly submitted to following the plan God had put before me I started to feel peace, relaxed, and like I was thriving. I am finally blooming where God has planted me. Instead of fighting to leave this place and focusing on how much I didn't like it here I am putting my feet in the soil, allowing the sun to shine on me and I am growing.

No matter what stage of life you are in hold tight to this promise.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declars the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I'm going back, back, back to school again.......

2011-11-21T09:07:00.000-08:00

It is tradition to sit down to dinner at our house. Cell phones get left in a basket, house phone goes unanswered, and the TV is off. We set the table, hold hands to pray and begin to share our day with each other. I love this time of day.
About 6 months ago I felt like I was wrestling with a monster. I have felt like a caterpillar in a cocoon trying to fight my way out. I wasn't sure what I was fighting for but I was sure that once I broke through a beautiful creature would appear.

Six months ago all my wrestling came to a head. We were at the dinner table when I looked at my husband and said "I think I'm having a mid-life crisis." Laugh, it's funny. My oldest looks at me and replied "Your not 50 how can you be having a mid-life crisis?" My youngest daughter pipes up "Does that mean we can get a new car?" The boys just looked at me like what is that. Apparently, once again, I had blurted out my feelings with little thought to who or where I was. This was something that had become normal for me.

I was at the point where I could begin to see that my kids will be leaving the nest soon. (some days not soon enough) I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. For 17 years I have been mom extraordinaire. The children are at the point in their lives where it isn't really cool to have mom around. Although it is still cool to have mom baked treats in their lunch. They now have a sister that can drive them, so they need me even less.

I felt trapped because we bought our house 2 years ago. The housing market isn't great here so we would have to rent our house if we moved. We have been here 4 year. Usually by now we are packing up and moving to a new duty station. This is the longest we have lived anywhere since we have been married. With this unit we will be here until we decide we want to leave, so packing and moving isn't on the list in the near future.

A few months ago when I traveled to Women of Faith I had a break through. I felt like God had been telling to go to school. I have felt that way for a few years. But without a degree in mind I felt it would be a waste of time. Then there were mom duties and for awhile we home schooled the boys so I didn't see where I could fit in school for myself.

My friend, my friend's sister and I traveled to Women of Faith like we do every year. We were at dinner on night one and I made the comment that I want to go to school for nursing and I think I'm supposed to work with sick children. Without missing a beat my friend's sister said "You would be a great nurse." That statement changed the way I saw myself and going back to school. There was something about the way she said it. I felt like God was speaking to me. My friend said "I had never heard you say it(that I wanted to be a nurse) with that much determination before." I hadn't said it with any determination before.

In past conversations I had mentioned to my friend that I thought I wanted to go back to school for nursing. She listened and said she'd pray about it. The great thing about my friend is she never wants me to get my cart before my horse. I do that. I either dismiss an idea altogether or jump on the band wagon. I knew she wanted me to find my way and was praying that I would. I think I shocked her at dinner when I made a firm statement. I hadn't done that with anything that had to do with my career or where God was pointing me.

That night as we sang in worship I cried. I thought my friends were going to have to pick me up off the floor. Natalie Grant was signing Your Great Name, we were all standing, signing, crying, and I had a vision from God that I would be working with sick babies. Call me crazy but I actually saw myself sitting on a hospital bed, in scrubs, singing to a child. I hope pitch and tone won't matter to the children because I am not a great singer. I felt God tell me that I am supposed to sing to those babies and be a light to the parents.

My vision of WOF had bee predetermined by me. My friends lost their mom a few months before our event. Their mom always went with us. She was an amazing lady. I thought I was there to help my friends on their healing journey. I didn't even think that by simply showing up that God was going to do such an amazing thing for me. It's amazing what happens when you just show up.

I came home from my trip and began my school search. One that I had done so many times before. This time was different. I felt God leading me to the school and through the process. I studied for the placement test and amazed myself at how well I did. I even bragged to my kids when I came home on Friday and showed them the paper. My oldest son was so excited for me that he ran out the door to greet his dad with my test paper in his hand.

I'm excited that the journey has begun. I'm excited that I feel a sense of purpose with what I am supposed to be doing. One other thing I want to share with you that I learned that night in worship is this: Don't put your cart before your horse. My children are still children. While they might not want me around, they need me around. I was so focused on what was going to happen when they were gone that I was missing the moments while they are still here. I was so focused on the future that I was forgetting about living in the present.

If you feel lost I know from experience that God will lead you where you need to be. Don't give up hope. Live for today. Tomorrow will figure itself out.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Joy Comes in the Morning

2011-09-27T05:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a whirlwind of a day. From first glance it was a normal day at our house. It was quiet. Until, Parker came home off the bus. Some new kids in the neighborhood have been picking on Parker since they started riding the bus together. He came home in tears yesterday. It wasn't long after he came home that the mom of the other boys was knocking at the door claiming that Parker was the bully and saying things that I am certain he didn't say. I know Parker. I know the things he is capable of. He wouldn't make this comment. I'm sure he said things he shouldn't have but this parent was claiming my child was saying racial slurs. (neither of us heard what happened it was all he said he said) After having a less than calm conversation with this mom I walked away feeling frustrated, angry and attacked.

After a few hours and a phone call with a friend I had calmed down a little. My husband and I made a trip to Lowe's after supper and on the way home I had a frying pan to the head moment. I really felt the Holy Spirit tell me that we (as a family) are at war. Our family (just like most families) are under attack. The enemy will use anything he can to get a foothold and tear us apart. It seems like since we moved here we have been under constant attack. It hasn't been little things either. I'm talking take cover cause bombs are going off.

I made the comment (out of the blue) to my husband that I feel like we are under attack. He didn't blink an eye when he replied that he agreed that we were. That didn't make me feel better. My husband is good at making me see the situation different. He is a much calmer person by nature and is able to look at both sides. But this time he didn't try and help me see that maybe I was wrong or to look at it different he simply agreed. So how do you prepare for when you are under attack?

When we got home last night I did a few things around the house and made sure the kids were tucked in bed, worked on updating my workout music for the morning, and sat feeling restless. I replayed the argument with the other mom in my head over and over. What could I have done different? Was I not seeing the whole picture? I had that same feeling and prompting from the Holy Spirit that I need to prepare for battle. Tired and barely able to keep my eyes open any longer I gave into God and asked him to show me what I needed to do to prepare for battle.

When I woke up this morning the scripture verse "For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime! Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning" Psalms 30:5 NLT I was reminded that joy comes in the morning and I had many blessings to be thankful for.

As I drove my kids to school today I felt prompted that in order to go to battle we need to be prepared. The way we can prepare is to study God's word, have a strong foundation and our family. I know that God will lead the way and will not leave us or forsake us.

Deut 31:6 "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

On the way home I recalled James 1:2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Testing of faith brings perseverance. Perseverance is a trait that is not easily taught by a parent. It's something the child has to learn on his own. You can guide him and encourage him but in the end it's up to the individual if you chose to persevere. I think God is helping my children learn this trait by watching me. They are seeing that no matter what comes we still give thanks to God, we still come together as a family and are strong, we are who we are and won't change to fit what someone else wants us to be. They are seeing first hand that no matter how many times we fall down, we get up, dust ourselves off and continue on our path.

While I'm sure this battle isn't over, I am prepared to fight. (not in a way that will land me in jail) Normally I would hold a grudge against the mom that came to my door. Today as I walked by her at the bus stop I found myself praying for her and her family. I prayed for their protection and wisdom that she needs to help her children. I also prayed for the same things for myself.

I can't say that I will ever want to go to war but I know now that no matter what I have the tools to fight.

Failure

2011-09-21T05:14:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was filled with excitement. So much that I could hardly sit still most of the day. The frazzzledness of mom taxi took over after school and we were off and running like always. As my mom taxi duties ended and my husband took over I remembered that the Biggest Loser was on. I didn't watch last season. I had pretty much tuned it out and thought I wouldn't watch this season either. But 2 of the children were gone and so was my husband so I decided to tune in. I was in need of a little motivation.

Over the past two years I have worked to change my habits. Our diet got a major overhaul and I work out 6 days a weeks. During those two years I have manages to lose 60 pounds and keep it off. But as I watched the HUGE numbers that the contestants put up on the scale I felt like a failure. I didn't feel motivated instead I wanted to eat chocolate and drink Diet Coke. (both of which I will never give up completely)

The contestants lost more in one week than I have in the last 6 weeks. I made the comment to my husband (who had come home with children in tow) that I felt like a failure. His reply to me was "Why do you feel like a failure? Because you can't train all day long with a trainer, nutritionist, and have no outside distractions?" I just looked at him on the verge of tears.

This weight loss journey has not been an easy one for me. One week you work your tail off and the scale refuses to budge or worse yet mocks you as you step on it. It's a never ending cycle of finding balance. I have great friends and relatives that are trainers.(one is my brother) They all tell me to not watch the scale. I can't help myself. It's almost like morning coffee. I don't feel like I function right if I don't weigh in.

Over the years I have gotten better about not letting the number determine how I feel. Instead I gauge how I feel based on 'how I feel'. There's a concept :)

As I went for my morning workout today I felt funky. As I walked and talked with God I realized that I still felt funky because I was seeing myself as a failure based on other peoples success. I wasn't basing my feelings on anything I had or hadn't done but what other people had done. I think it's something we all do from time to time. We judge ourselves against people who we see as having it all together. They are usually people in places that we want to be but haven't gotten there yet.

I was reminded this morning that God isn't comparing me to other people. He won't stand me next to a Biggest Loser Contestant and say "Well, you didn't work as hard as Tina here so sorry you are denied entry to heaven."

I often have frying pan to the head moments with God. Sometimes I feel like I am in a Lucille Ball episode and God is screaming LUCY (except it would be SHANNON, since that is me) It takes me awhile to get somethings. Some lessons I continue to get. (I really wish I would figure out the lesson so we could move on from it)

I am a work in progress. I will never be finished or perfect or the same as someone else. I think I need to have the same attitude when it comes to my weight loss. It is a work in progress and a journey that is mine. Once I hit my goal weight I will never be finished. At that point the training doesn't stop, it changes.

On the radio this morning I heard this quote "You are never a failuer until you quit." I'm not sure who said it. I'm going to type that up and put it on my office wall.

In the words of Dory the fish I am going to "just keep swimming" and success will find me.

Excitement

2011-09-20T13:05:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited I can hardly stand it. I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas morning and it is simply taking to long to get here. What am I so excited for? Women of Faith. Each year it's my short TDY trip to help me refill my empty cup.

For the past few years I have gone with my girlfriend, her sister and her mom. (there are others that join us from time to time but those are the usual key players) We usually would travel to Charlotte for the conference. It seemed to be the easiest for most of us to get to. I always look forward to going. Each year the enemy tries to throw things in our way and prevent us from going. Each year we overcome those things and plow forward.

This year has been exceptionally hard. My friend and her sister lost their mom in January. This will be the first conference (in a long time) that we go to without her. Then it looked like our original weekend that was planned for Charlotte wasn't going to be able to take place. Schedules seem to be colliding in the outer universe that would prevent us from going. But again we perservered and found a solution.(this was more of my girlfriends doing. I just told her to let me know where to show up) We chose a different city and a different weekend. WOOT WOOT. Now I will be leaving on a jet plane to go to Women of Faith.

I was able to book my ticket using my Southwest reward points and I only had to pay $15. That includes a ticket to go home for a few days. Not only am I going to be able to see my girlfriend and her sister (really they are like my sisters) but I get to go home for a few days and see my family.

When I told my my children that they are going to be here for 8 days without me, my youngest daughter replied to me "Does that mean that Nana is coming to stay with us?" I had to laugh. Simply because their dad is home. He's been home for a few months now. My kids are programmed that when mom leaves Nana comes to stay with us. I'm not sure if the thought ever crossed her mind that her dad is here and able to care for her or if she just expected Nana to come and stay because I was leaving.

The countdown is on and I simply can't wait to take my TDY trip. The tickets are purchased, hotel room booked, and I know the kids will survive the week even if all they eat is pizza and eggs. (Ted likes to cook breakfast) At the end of this trip this frazzled mama will be refreshed and ready to tackle another year. A year that will include our oldest becoming a senior in high school. ( I think that will need another TDY trip with lots of fruity drinks)

Journey Through ADHD

2011-09-16T09:43:00.000-07:00

Ever since Parker was 4 I knew he was different. We was and still our child that pushes the envelope. If there is a rule he will challenge it. He is super smart. There are days I can't understand how his 10 year old brain can understand things that it does. For example: I received a new hose for my vacuum from Dyson. It was in a box on my desk. I was upstairs and as I came downstairs I see Parker has taken the part out of the box, taken the vacuum apart and put it back together with the new hose in place. That was a year ago. He has an understanding for the way things work.

When Parker was in Pre-K I asked the teacher if she saw the signs of ADD or ADHD. She assured me that he was just an active 4 year old boy who is the youngest of 4 and has a dad that is deployed. I didn't disagree with her. Although in my mom gutt I knew something wasn't right. We had many days of meltdowns and defiance. But on the day when our sweet Parker would emerge I could see he was in there but was having difficulty communicating with us exactly what was going on.

In kindergarten Parker's teacher was his teacher's aide from Pre-K. I was so happy that she was going to be his teacher. She knew how Parker worked and his needs and understood how to approach him to see the most success. I still felt that something wasn't right. There was behavior and his inability to sit still for long periods of time wasn't getting any better. The feedback I was getting from his teacher was the same as his pre-k teacher. He's the littlest of 4 and his dad is gone a lot. I still felt something in my gutt tell me there was more to this story.

After kindergarten we PCS'd to Fort Bragg. We were blessed with a wonderful pediatrician. She listened to me and helped me work through a proper diagnosis. Parker was diagnosed with ADHD at the end of first grade. Our journey, like many other families with and ADHD child, has been anything but smooth. There isn't a magic pill that will cure children and make them sit and pay attention. What most people don't realize is an ADHD child may seem distracted and occupied with other things is still paying attention. Parker can be playing a video game spinning on a chair and he is able to study spelling words with me. He actually studies better that way.

In 2nd grade we felt that to many things that were unrealistic were expected of Parker. They wanted him to sit still, face forward, do worksheets and go home. Parker has always been smart. If he has done a worksheet once he has no desire to do it again the next day or a similar one later that day. He saw the work and understood it so he feels like he shouldn't be asked to do the same work again. The school and teacher weren't willing or able to give him harder work or adjust to his needs. At that point we decided to homeschool both boys. (Tanner was brought home for different reasons)

Along our journey of homeschool I saw how smart Parker was. He wasn't behind like the school was trying to tell me. They kept telling me that he was behind because he wouldn't do the same worksheet. As long as he was challenged he excelled. He was also a very trying child. Questioned how I knew the answers and wanted to be right all the time. Even though I could show him that his answer to a question was wrong he would want to argue why he was right.

We have experienced everything a family does that has a child with ADD/ADHD. Our other children felt pushed aside because we had to spend more time focused on Parker. We spent many hours correcting behavior, doctor appointments, and counselor appointments.

Last year the boys went back to a traditional school setting. We had them enrolled at private christian school. Many problems and trips to the administration later the boys were put back in the same elementary school that I pulled them out of and vowed they would go back over my dead body. Needless to say I am not dead and they are in school there. Last year was an extremely difficult school year. I had the conversation with my husband that if the school year was as bad this year I would pull Parker and homeschool him. I couldn't have another year like last year. I don't think Parker could either. His teacher, while a great educator, wasn't able to adapt her teaching style to children who seemed to be distracted. She wanted him sitting still, facing forward, and quiet.

Through last year we had tried different meds. None were successful for an extended period of time. The last set of meds we were on were non stimulant meds. The side effect of those meds made me think that we weren't dealing with ADHD but some form of Asperger's. I had worked in the school when we were at Ft Campbell and I saw Asperger's kids. I knew those symptoms and signs. It never occurred to me at the time that the side effects of the meds were making Parker behave this way. I don't know how or why that thought never crossed my mind but sitting back I can say that God was directing our path. I called the pediatrician and requested a neurology consult to rule out other things. The last few weeks of school I took Parker off meds. (with consent of his DR) and decided that we would see the neurologist with no meds and hopefully the neurologist would be able to help us.

During this time I felt lost, scared, frustrated, angry and worst of all list we had some how failed Parker. I'm so blessed with a wonderful friend that would listen to me daily and encourage me through the process.

The day came and we finally get to see the neurologist. My husband is home from deployment and able to go along. I was filled with anxiety the day of the appointment. I didn't know what to expect, what the process would be and what diagnosis we faced. I prayed and prayed and God had made it well with my soul for me to be at a point to say I don't care what the word is(diagnosis) I just want to know how to help Parker.

The appointment was a long appointment. They spent time with Parker, tested him with a system called Quotient, and spent time talking with us. One of the things that they said to me was "He (Parker) is a smart good kid. He just needs help to focus and stay on task." OMG someone FINALLY saw what I saw. Someone finally understood that it's not just simply a med that you pop in his mouth and will make him better.

One of the other things that the doctor talked about was how ADHD is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It doesn't just go away. We had the conversation that our pediatrician had said it was okay to not give Parker meds on the weekend or school holidays. While it is okay medically, Parker won't die from not having the meds, we aren't doing justice to Parker by not giving it to him on the weekends. He went on to explain that just like Parker's appetite changes off meds his brain processes information different off meds. Learning doesn't just occur in the classroom and by not taking meds on the weekend the doctor feels that we aren't allowing Parker to learn whenever possible. He explained it way better than I just did but we agreed to try the medication that he recommended and see him again in a month. I was leary but trusting the process.

We are 3 months on the meds and have seen the neurologist for our follow up. They tested Parker on the Quotient system to see how the meds are working. The test showed night and day difference from where he originally tested. The Quotient test will track movement, impulsivity, attention and distraction. It is an FDA approved test for ADHD.

Fast forward to our 3rd week of school. There have been no phone calls from the school about Parker. He has brought home homework, done the work with no arguing about it, and has been bringing home A's on his work. Parker also went to Sylvan and has completed that program as well. I finally see my sweet Parker again. I can see him process through things and think about the situation. He's still the same creative, smart, funny child.

I think the one misconception about ADHD children is that they are out of control or over medicated. I am living proof that when you find the right medication and the right dose the medication has no effect on the child's personality.

Our journey isn't over. We are in the middle of our journey. Our first 4 years of ADHD have been a bumpy ride. I have faith in our medical team and the new support from the school that we have the tools in place to make this year a success for Parker.

I can sit back and see God's hand in our journey the entire way. I insisted on trying the non stimulant meds. If it had not of been for those meds we probably wouldn't have seen the neurologist. I know I can't take credit for that. That was God's work. He was directly our path the entire time. It hasn't been an easy path but God was there leading the way while giving me strength, courage, a great friend and hope.

What a Difference a Day Makes

2011-08-02T07:01:00.000-07:00

Last year at this time things in our household was very different. I felt trapped and not sure why I was even here. I felt as if I wasn't important, that you could stick any person in my 'job' and no one in my family would notice a difference. I felt like I was losing myself and I didn't know how to find my way.
To be completely honest I was sure that our marriage was on its way to being over. I started to think of a life as a single parent and to me it seemed a doable option. I was tired of deployment, tired of fighting with children and being a sole care provider, tired of being in a geographical place that I don't care for, I was tired of everything in my life. To put it in simple words I was miserable.

Last year just before Women of Faith I was sure that my marriage was over. I didn't have the energy to fight for it anymore. After WoF I had hope that things would be better and we could get through this tough spot. I returned home with hope in my heart and a willingness to change me, focus on me and what I can do to make things different.

When I look back at where we were last year and where we are now I am amazed. Amazed at the work of the Lord. I can see how the enemy was attacking our marriage and how I tired quickly and was ready to quit fighting. I am blessed to have great friends and family that continued to pray us through it. There were many days when I would wake up and simply say to the Lord "I'm tired Lord, I don't even know what to pray for today. Help me see what I need to see." More days than not a simple conversation like that was all I had the strength for. But I had mighty prayer warriors around me. Even though they are thousands of miles away from me they still surrounded my family and I in prayer.

Deployment can do many things to you. One of them is make you rigid and hard. For us, and this is no secret, we spend more time apart than together. With TDY and deployment my husband has been away more than home. It is easy to start thinking about life as a true single parent. It's easy to think that your husband doesn't care or isn't thinking about or missing you anymore. It's harder to stay. It's harder to do the work to repair, reconnect, and re-establish your family after a deployment. I was reminded that life wasn't meant to be easy. I don't learn the lessons I need in the easy times. I also learned through that period of time that the enemy will attack any small place and keep attacking until he wins.

I have written before that I thought our marriage was under attack. I didn't know how to fight back. I felt like I was losing my husband to the demands of the military and there wasn't much I could do about it. Deployment and TDY were taking my husband, changing him and spitting him back out at me a different person. I didn't know who that person was. What I didn't take into consideration was how different I was. Deployment and multiple TDY had changed me too. Because of the crazy schedule this unit has we were never together long enough to connect and rediscover each other. We went on marriage retreats, trips as a family, date nights but because of the crazy schedule we never let our guard down. We knew before to long the military would call and off he would go.

If you look at our family from the outside we look the same. The changes that happened weren't anything you can see. We became softer towards each other. Opening up and letting down the wall that we often kept up because the pain of separation was to much to bare. Before the last deployment my husband was home for 4 months. That is the longest he has been home since we moved here. Four solid months of home life before the last deployment. Those months, while short, helped lay the foundation for finding our way back to each other.

What a difference a year makes. This year is filled with laughter, soft hearts, a willingness to change and help each other, an open mind, and a strong connection to each other. It's also filled with challenges, crazy schedules, and all the stress of daily military life. This year is going to continue to be filled with love, grace and kindness. I can't wait to see what the rest of the year holds.

You Know You're Married Awhile When.......

2011-05-16T20:54:00.000-07:00

.....your husband offers you his socks so you can try on a pair of running shoes. :)

As I laced up my shoes this morning I had a flash back to the first time I attempted to try on these shoes. My husband and I were in the PX and I was putting my bare foot in the shoe. I hate wearing socks. I don't always wear them when I wear running shoes. As I slipped my foot in the shoe a lady that worked there told me that I had to wear socks and she couldn't allow me to try on the shoe. She then stood there until I put it back in the box and on the shelf. Without missing a beat my husband looks and me and says "I will take my sock off and you can use it to try on shoes."

At the time I just shrugged off his offer. Wearing my husband's sock was not the first thought that came to mind. I first thought where are the socks in this place so I can purchase a pair to try on shoes.

I think Ted just wanted to be done shoe shopping. Picking running shoes for me is the hardest. I can have any other type of shoe decided on in a few minutes. I will wear running shoes around the shoe department for a half hour before I decide if they fit like I want. Maybe in his mind he was trying to speed up the process OR maybe he didn't see a need to buy a pair of socks I won't wear anyway.

When I thought about that memory in the PX I had to laugh. I didn't think twice about that day when it happened. The Lord knew I needed a laugh today and brought that memory to mind for me.

It's a Secret

2011-04-12T15:25:00.000-07:00

There were days as a young mom that I couldn't wait for my children to be older. I wanted them to be able to feed themselves and walk. Then there were days that I couldn't wait for them to play sports so I could be their cheerleader. I was sure when the kids were older things would be easier. (we had 4 under the age of 6)

Boy was I wrong. When they were little I was able to put them in their seat on the counter with me while I baked or cooked dinner. They didn't talk back or ask why and they certainly didn't require me to play the role of mom taxi. Unless of course it was to a 'playdate' which translated to adult time with another mommy.

While I am enjoying the days with my children as they grow, change and discover who they are- I am not enjoying teenager attitudes, friends that I don't agree with, mom taxi extraordinaire, and at what point did I become mommy dearest?

There are days I find myself saying "self, today we won't yell at the children. Today we are going to remember to remain calm, cool and collected." HA. That NEVER happens. I find myself with only one volume that gets my children's attention. It's the same tone as Joan Crawford used when she screamed "NO WIRE HANGERS." That is the only pitch in which my children look at me with fear in their eyes and realize I have lost it for the day. With their dad constantly gone it doesn't take long for me to hit that point.

When you are about to become a new mom no one tells you about the crazy that your bundle of joy will make you. Crazy with fear as they venture into a world with threats and opportunities that didn't exist when you were a child. I sure wasn't told about how crazy of a driver I would be. At first it was super slow driver because there is a tiny package in the car. Then it becomes road rage lady as you are rushing child 3 to practice only to roll to a stop, push him out, and rush to pick up child 1. Driving 300 miles in 4 days will make anyone crazy. Those are just a few of the things that parenting books leave out. They also leave out that while most days I am so tired of driving I want to crawl under the covers and pretend I didn't see that it was morning, these are the days I will miss.

It won't be long before child 1 is off to college. I'm not sure I can even process that at this moment. Next year we will have two high school children and one middle school. (along with one elementary) How did I get here so fast? Another quick tip is that no parenting book or expert will tell you that once your children start school you enter the express lane of life. It was just yesterday child 1 was starting school. I remember the day like it was yesterday. When she starts school next year she will be a junior in high school.

Moms out there embrace every moment that you have. Even if it is a mommy dearest moment. It's these moments that we didn't learn in a parenting book or by watching an expert on TV. It is the real life lessons that teach us how to be parents and what's important. The lessons that you can only learn from living and doing things.

My children aren't always perfect and their have been times when they did something and I wanted to crawl under a rock from embarrassment. (that too is not in a book) but those moments I learned how to be a better parent (after I stopped yelling like mommy dearest) and my children learned a lesson that will help shape them into the adult they will be.

One More Day......

2011-04-11T18:05:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those crazy busy days. On the top of the list was a trip to the commissary. I went with coupons in hand but no list. I didn't have the energy the night before to make a list or even think of a menu. Since I cook most of the time I knew about what we had on hand and the items that we would need. I didn't do to bad. I'm no extreme couponer but I managed to save almost $75 on a $400 bill. That is success to me.

I always forget how long it actually takes me to put away groceries. After a big grocery trip I spend most of the day organizing and putting away. I have a little OCD when it comes to putting things in Tupperware and getting rid of as many of the boxes as I can. Today as I dumped granola bars into their container and broke down the box, I dropped it on the floor just like always. That way the boxes are flat and I can pick up the boxes and put them in recycling. Yankee(our new shelter rescue) decided it was his job to take those boxes and tear them apart. It was funny to watch him. He was like a little child at Christmas who was having more fun with the boxes than the toys.

After playing mom taxi, cooking dinner, homework(all the mom duties) I sit here twiddling my thumbs. Wondering. Wondering what to clean next or organize or read or write or just what to do with myself. Truth is I have plenty of things I should be doing but I can't focus long enough to get those things done.

I think a big part of my problem is my husband is away again. I have no idea as to when he will be home. It could be next week (unlikely) or weeks or moths from now. That is really unusual for us. We usually know almost to the day when they will be back before they leave. Occasionally it is delayed by a day or so but for the most part it is right on the money. This trip I don't have a way to countdown to homecoming. That is one thing that has always helped me get through deployments. Knowing I only have xx amount of days to go.

Communications this trip have been dreadful to say the least. I know that email and technology is really limited for my husband right now. I do get to look forward to weekly Sunday calls. But having no communication for 7 days is HARD.

So for now I will sit twiddling my thumbs trying to pass the time as I await my husbands return.........

Did I sign up for this?

2011-04-07T18:22:00.000-07:00

It's impossible to get away from the latest news of the government shut down. It's on every news station and social media site. The number one question most people ask what does it mean for me.

For military members and their families this could be devastating. Many military families live paycheck to paycheck. Some have the ability to save for a rainy day while others are barely hanging on to a rope. It's those same men and women who willingly risk their lives and leave their families for multiple deployments. Some with little dwell time in between. It's those men and women that the government is expecting to go without pay. (along with their civilian counterpart)They are being told that while they won't be paid the appropriate amount on the next payday (April 15) and along with not getting paid they can't take off work or simply not show up. Essentially they are being told that they are to risk their lives for the sake of others but won't be paid. Not only do they now have to worry about the mission at hand but they also have to worry about how their family back home is going to survive.

I have heard the saying that a distracted soldier is a dead soldier. In my opinion, if the government wants to play chicken with each other over the budget then so be it. But when it comes to the life of my husband and other service members it simply isn't fair. They need to realize that this isn't about a number on a page anymore. This is about the lives and well being of the very men and women that they have in harms way.

I would like to see the elected officials give up their salaries and go sit on the front line with a gun facing down the enemy while worrying about how their families are getting along. I'm sure it wouldn't be to long before an agreement came about a budget.

I urge everyone to call, email or stand at their local representatives office until they get the message that this is not OK. We are tired of the politics and simply want SOMEONE to stand up and take responsibility for this mess and fix it.

Restless

2010-11-15T08:03:00.000-08:00

Over the last few weeks I have had a restless spirit. I can't seem to sit still, which isn't that unusual for me, but I can't focus on anything. When I'm in the car, I'm constantly changing the radio station and yelling at the other drivers. When I finally decide to go to bed I lay there not able to fall asleep and once I fall asleep I don't stay asleep. I couldn't figure out why I was restless.

The stress in our house has been over the top. The boys school work load has been off the charts and adjusting to a traditional school setting has been more difficult that I had anticipated. Top that off with the girls schedules and school stuff and a husband who is always coming and going. I bet you think, well, right there is why she is restless. Normally, I would agree with you. However, I have had this schedule for a while and in the past I know I can sit still for longer 2 minutes.

This past weekend I went to Women of Faith with my best girlfriend and her family. It's tradition. We go every year for the past 5 years. Some things happened before I was supposed to leave and I was convinced that I wasn't going to be able to go this year. I even had the heart break of telling my friend that I didn't think I would be able to make it. I went to bed Wednesday night feeling sad and defeated because I wouldn't be able to go to WoF. I woke up Thursday morning and the first thought I had, before my eyes were even open, was that I need to pack for WoF. I wasn't sure where that was coming but I had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to go. About noon I had sent my friend a message that I was coming. I wasn't sure what time but I was coming. Stepping out on faith I finished what I had to have done that day and packed my things and hit the road.

I always walk away from WoF with something. But I was worried that this restlessness would cause me to miss what God had for me. I often found myself fidgeting or getting up to go to the bathroom (partly because one day I took 2 water pills instead of one) I couldn't focus. I was still worried about the things at home. My mind was still at home and not present with me. About halfway through the program I sat back in my seat, closed my eyes and prayed that the Lord would make my spirit still. That whatever it was I was meant to hear I would hear. Even if I didn't want to hear it. After that prayer I was still restless but I think the Lord helped me tune into the parts of the program that I was meant to hear.

What I heard was instead of always asking why me I should be asking why not me. I shouldn't be worried about what is happening my home life as unfair and undeserved but as a blessing. Through the struggles we will come out better. I also heard that this could be for good. I don't know what lays ahead but these circumstances could be for good.

Then I had a frying pan to the head moment. I felt like God had hit me with a ton of bricks. I learned that while I live a transparent life I am not vulnerable. I don't let many people into my heart. In a way it makes sense. My husband always leaves so I keep him at arms length. Most of my friends are kept at arms length because before too long you will move or I will move and then that will hurt. So, instead of allowing that hurt I will self protect.

As I sat with those two thoughts, I was sure I had what God had intended for me. I figured I was done. Those two thoughts were about as many as I could handle and then came another frying pan to the head moment.

I had been praying for things to change with our marriage, the school, the schedule but felt like those prayers were bouncing off the clouds and marked return to sender. I had been praying and praying and felt like I had bloody knees and I still had no answer or peace. As I sat in the auditorium I realized I had the answer to the prayer for a while. I just wasn't willing to accept that answer. The answer wasn't in changing my husband's schedule or my kids school work or even their schedule. The answer was me. The Lord was trying to tell me that I needed to change. I needed to change my approach to those things. Before this past weekend I wasn't ready to hear that. I wanted change but I didn't want to be the one to change. I felt like I wasn't doing anything wrong.

Once I sat and acknowledged that I had known this and asked the Lord to help me see my part in the problem and to help me change my attitude, I didn't feel restless any more. I finally felt at peace. The whole time I felt restless I was actually having a wrestling match with God. My heart was hard and I was angry.

What I didn't know about this whole process was what my girlfriend was praying for. She knew all the details of the week and she had been praying that I have a soft heart. She knew I was hurting, she knew that she couldn't change what was going on but she knew that the only way I would see what needs to be done is to change my heart. I didn't learn that she had been praying for my heart to change until the conference was almost over.

I left of the weekend unsure of how to go forward with our family but I came home with a soft heart, an open mind and hope. Somewhere along the way I lost hope. I didn't know that I had lost it until I found it. My friends, if you feel lost or restless don't tune out what God is trying to tell you. If you don't know how to change a situation or how it will get any better pray for a soft heart. It was with that soft heart that I was able to see another point of view and see things I had been missing this whole time.

I Had an Affair..........

2010-09-26T15:56:00.000-07:00

.......with my phone. You see after carrying that little thing with me every where I went, sleeping with it, and checking it every 5 minutes, it occurred to me that I was having an affair with my phone.

When my husband deployed for the first time I didn't go anywhere without it. I made sure it was always charged or had access to a charger and it never left my side. I even upgraded to a phone that would allow me to IM with my husband and, of course, I had to have access to email anytime of day. I couldn't stand the thought of missing a phone call from my husband. Just the thought of missing a call gave me anxiety.

From time to time I would get upset with my beloved phone. I would call it from another phone just to make sure it was working. (you know, the times when you haven't heard from your husband in a while and are sure it must be because your phone isn't working) Or there were times when my email or IM features would be on the blink, then it wouldn't be my favorite friend. I would get mad at my phone because it wouldn't ring. Or if it did ring and wasn't my husband I would be disappointed. But on the day when it rang, it was my husband and I was able to hear his voice it was the best day of the week. It didn't matter how crappy the day was before that or how much stress there was, all that matter was the phone rang and my husband was on the other end.

Because I became so close to my phone I didn't realize how hard it would be to break up. Now, from time to time I did break up with my phone and upgraded to a new model but I immediately fell in love all over again. (except with my Blackberry, I have a love hate relationship with it)Taking it with me wherever I went and making sure I was equipped for any call day or night. Even the call from a girlfriend for bail money (You know who you are and I will never forget that :) )

It wasn't until I was talking to my girlfriend that I realized I was having an affair with my phone. My friend was trying to get in touch with her sister and made the comment that her sister wasn't as attached to her phone as we were. The light bulb went on. I told her it was because we were having an affair with our phone that most civilian people wouldn't understand. Only a military wife could relate to the affair with the phone.

When I said those words to her (text actually) I was amazed at what had come out. That was God showing me what I was going to have to give up. Or at least work on giving up. One night my husband and I were going to dinner and I was sending an email from my phone. I said to my husband, "Don't worry I will leave my phone in the car when we go in to eat." He replied "If you want to have a date with your Blackberry you just have to say so." That again was confirmation that I am to attached to my phone.

In today's society we are programmed to talk, text, email and some times all three at once. Our phones are capable of things I don't even understand. Those crafty little devices are handy and can make our lives so much easier. But they can also pull us away from relationships and conversations that are going on all around us. We might miss them because we are tuned into our phones.

I am going to attempt to break up with my phone. Okay, break up probably isn't the right word. I will still have it with me but I am going to try and detox from it. Since my husband is home I'm going to try and leave it home when he is home. If I do take it with me I'm going to try and leave it in my purse or in the car. I must remember that I did function just fine before my trusty friend came along. Instead of looking at my phone and texting I will make eye contact with other adults, say hello and smile at them.

Now that my affair is public please be sure to help keep me on track. If you are near me and I can't seem to put it down please take it away. I give you permission. Human contact and relationships are what's important not the little piece of technology in my hand.

Surprise Me God

2010-08-09T09:33:00.000-07:00

It has never been a secret that things at our house are like a roller coaster. There are definite HIGHS and definite LOWS and there are the in between moments that you aren't really sure what to do with.

During the past few months re-deployment (for my civilian friends read Ted being home) has had its challenges. There were times I wasn't sure what God wanted from me and I wasn't sure why I kept ending up in the same place. Because I was in this place over and over I was sure I was missing the lesson but I wasn't sure what I was supposed to me learning from this.

Since our deployment cycles are short we encounter a whole new set of circumstances to deal with. Before coming to this unit I thought for sure that shorter deployments would be much easier to deal with than the year deployment we had just gotten done with. The grass is never what it seems to be on the other side. Shorter deployment cycles also mean shorter at home time. We never thought this would be a problem. But since I am so used to Ted coming and going, if he is here for longer than a few months I don't know what to do with him being here. We are good at the honeymoon period of re-deployment but it's what comes after that period that we aren't sure what to do with each other. It isn't to often that we get to visit a stage past the honeymoon period of re-deployment so it is almost like we are navigating through uncharted territory.

That's where the cycle starts. We end up at this place we don't know what to do with and before we can figure out how to work through it-its ended because another TDY or deployment trip comes up. It's normal things that happen after deployment-sharing parenting, household chores, learning how to live together again-nothing major just the normal stuff. I kept feeling like we should know how to sail the ship in this territory. We have been married for more than 10 years and I felt like we should know how to live as a married couple. At what point does that knowledge come? I'm not sure it ever does. Marriage is work and as long as we are living then there is work to be done.

Lately I have been praying for God to give me the vision that He wants for my life. I was tired of feeling stuck. See, the thing about praying that way, be ready for the answer. When I received the answer I went "YEP, Sorry Lord you must have the WRONG person for that job because I'm sure you didn't mean it for me." Because I didn't like the answer I strayed away from God. I decided that I knew better (insert laughter here) and went on my merry way. I decided that I knew there had to be something that I wanted to do or something that I wanted from life that I hadn't yet discovered. All the while I knew the answer that God had given me was the answer that I needed but wasn't ready to welcome the challenge and set forth on the course that He had set.

A few years ago I had read the book titled Surprise Me-A 30 Day Faith Experiment by Terry Esau. During this 'experiment' Terry would wake everyday and simple say "Surprise Me God." No hidden strings, no please Lord do this for me, no agenda set before God. Just simply say "Surprise Me God" and see what happens.

I have tried this faith experiment on several different occasions. For those that know me well, know I have self diagnosed A.D.D., so sticking with one thing for any length of time is a huge triumph in itself. But I did this challenge because I liked what I saw in Terry's book. A simple conversation with God uncomplicated by life situations. There are times in my life when I'm not sure if I am hearing God or myself and this experiment allowed me to hear God and see what He was putting in place for me. This experiment helped me get back to listening for God's voice.

Lately I have been trying to incorporate 'Surprise Me God' into my daily life. Not just by conducting an experiment but by living that way. I finally decided to follow what God was telling me to do and simply asked that He help me chart the course because I wasn't sure I would be able to do this job alone. But God already knew that. He sees a much bigger picture than I can. I have been surprised by the number of people coming into my life because of my shift in attitude.

Maybe the lesson I was supposed to get out of all of this is just a change in attitude. There are days I just long to be right and have my way. Maybe I need to change my way of seeing the situations. Then again I could be completely off base and be back in the struggle not knowing what lesson I am supposed to be getting. No matter what happens, I hope in any situation I am able to turn my face towards heaven with an open heart and simply say "Surprise Me God."

Ready for School

2010-07-22T09:03:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure who is more excited for school to start, myself or my boys. For the past 18 months I have home-schooled our boys. It had been a decision that I felt the Lord calling me to make but I kept doubting the Lord. I would say "Lord, you must have the wrong mom because I CAN'T home-school my boys."

Things continued to get worse at their school and I felt like the teacher wanted me to sit with my 2nd grader for the entire day. Her curriculum didn't allow to give my child additional work or more difficult work because he finished the work faster than his classmates. During this process I learned that I probably shouldn't say NO to the Lord. He does know way more about things than I do. In frustration I threw my hands up and said "Okay Lord, you win. I will bring the boys home and teach them."

The first 6 months of home-school we finished grade 2 and grade 3. Feeling like I had accomplished great things with them during this time I was eager to put them in the private school that we chose. But again the Lord had different plans. I didn't know that soon after our school year ended we would be told we had to move out of our rental unit. Then began the quest for buying a house. That quest took care of all the money we had set aside for the private school. Feeling defeated with the process but trusting the Lord I knew I would have to home-school the boys for the next year.

In our new house and beginning a new school year I often said I'm not sure I would put them in private school for the 2010-2011 school year. I was teaching the same thing, if not more, and it didn't cost nearly as much as the private school would. I had been praying for the whole year that if I was supposed to continue home-schooling that our hearts would reflect that desire and that I would have peace of mind about it. We pushed on through the year and at the end of our school year the answer was clear.

Before the end of the school year our recent deployment ended. That added extra chaos to the mix. It was during that time that I felt God tell me that I served Him and my children as He had asked and now it was time to move forward. Once again I said "Are you sure?" You see, it's not that I don't trust the Lord. I do. It's that I don't trust myself. There are times I am not sure if it's the Lord trying to speak to me or myself making it up to fit my needs.

After more prayer and friends praying I knew the answer was to put the boys in private school. The boys are so excited to go to school. They are excited to have friends in class and they are most excited about the music program that the school offers. I am excited to have 5 minutes of peace and quiet to hear myself think without hearing "MMOOOOOMMMMMMM."

The boys will start school in about 3 weeks. The uniforms are purchased, school supplies are being bought and a new adventure is on the horizon. I have a great sense of accomplishment for our home-school days. Mostly I'm grateful to God for showing me the opportunity that I would have passed on. My boys were able to learn so much in a short amount of time. Not just academics but they learned a lot about themselves. They no longer feel defeated by school and the work that comes. The boys meet the challenge head on and the know they are capable of great things. Knowing that the boys feel good about what they have achieved and what they can achieve is worth all the sacrifice and head banging I did during the school year.

If you hear a faint yelling on August 16th it's because I am home alone and I don't know what to do with the quiet so I am pretending that my boys are here. If you hear silence it's because I shed a tear in the amazing work that the Lord has done with me as a mother.

Around the Corner

2010-07-20T19:21:00.000-07:00

When I was younger I always dreamed I would marry someone who would get me out of the town I was growing up in. I didn't like where I lived. It was small, everyone knew everyone, and not a lot of change happens.

I didn't know that God was listening to me when I was praying for someone to take me away from everything I knew. I just knew I wanted out. On a hot day in June, in Green Bay, I met a nice Marine. Once he told me he was a Marine I figured it would be a fun adventure. I didn't realize that the adventure would still be going on 13 years later. On Saturday we will be married for 11 years.

We have had the privilege to live in many different parts of the country. Each place had something unique to offer. In Washington we enjoyed living on Whidbey Island. We enjoyed great views that looked like something from a post card. In Texas we experienced that everything is bigger in Texas. Including the hearts and open arms of the people we became close to. In Kentucky/Tennessee we learned the hardship of deployment, the true meaning of friends, and absence does make the heart grow fonder. Here in North Carolina we are enjoying being three hours from the beach and three hours from the mountains. Of all the places we have lived this one will be our longest duty station. We are learning how to stay put for more than a minute. Having lived in 5 states and 9 houses in 11 years I always feel ready to move.

We have dreamed of being where we are our whole married life. The kids are older and don't require us to be on top of their every move, a house that we own not one that the military lets us live in, and the joy of having a little extra money to go out to eat or do fun things once in a while without having to save up for them.(meaning bowling or movies). Being at the destination that we planned for so many years is surreal. There are days I wish we could go backwards and have to check jean pockets for enough money to order pizza. Those are the days when life didn't get in the way. As the kids get older and so do we, our responsibilities grow as well. Instead of teaching our oldest how to walk we are now teaching her how to drive. YIKES!

During a recent trip home to my hometown, I was reminded of the things I love about it. I love that I don't have to do a constant head count of children to make sure all of my kids are accounted for. The people there look out for each other. There isn't much crime and everyone still knows everyone. As I was growing up my grandparents owned a bar so people knew me even if I didn't know them. That didn't allow for me to get into much trouble without my parents knowing about it. BUT don't think I didn't try:)

The town is small. You can ride you bikes to just about any place in town. When I was jogging one night I realized that from my dad's house to my mom's house is only a couple of miles. During my stay I drove 50 miles in 4 days. Which, for me, is a drop in the bucket compared to when I am in North Carolina. I drive 36 miles round trip to the gym.

There are many treasures of my hometown that I took for granted when I lived there. My children have never had the joy of riding their bikes across town to their friends house. Our towns have been to big to do that. When I was a kid I went up north with my aunt to Crivitz where my other aunt lived. My sister and I would stay there for a few weeks at a time. As many times as I have been home to visit I have never had the chance to take the kids to see where I spent so many summers. On the next trip I am making the time to go there.

I am still amazed at how God takes me around the corner of a path to show me something new. Things I never realized or even thought about. I hope I have many more corners to turn. After all, what kind of adventure would this be if the path were straight?

Tune In

2010-06-20T08:27:00.000-07:00

The call has finally come. My husband has to take another trip(read deployment). I knew it wouldn't be long before he had to depart again. It's part of the territory. In a way I am used to him leaving all the time and in a way I will never get used to it. I know that sounds funny but I guess until you experience it there just isn't words to describe it.

Getting ready for this trip is different than the last few. My husband won't need to take many things with him so packing hasn't consumed 3-4 days at our house, only a few hours. We still did need to take a trip to Target to get the few items that he would need while he is gone.

While we were at Target, one of my favorite stores, we were looking at music. My husband and I differ on the types of music we listen to. We both like each others music choices, it's just not our first choice for what we listen to individually. Browsing through some CD's I said to Ted "HEY! What's the name of that one song that I like?" Laughing to myself after I said that and thinking he will reply with "what one song?", but to my surprise he came back with the title and the artist and knew exactly what song I was talking about. Now that is being in tune with your spouse.

We have struggled over the past few weeks to get past the honeymoon phase of re-deployment and find our groove. I know that's a struggle that most military couples have. I also know that we will get through it. One complaint I had and I talked with my husband about was feeling like I didn't matter. What I said didn't matter, what I did didn't matter and I felt like a robot could come in and take my place and no one would notice that I was gone. WELLLLL, I realized that night at Target that my husband does listen, he does pay attention and get things when I say them, I just don't always see it. For my husband to come up with the exact song that I was looking for without many details other than it's a song I like(which could be many songs because I love music) that shows me that we are more in tune with each other than I thought.

The big things are easy to get and to see it's the little things that we need to take in and remember. That night at Target, though it may sound silly to some, will help me get through these next few weeks of deployment. I am never ready to let him go but I know the sooner we start the count down the sooner he gets to come home. Upon my husbands return home I will remember to tune in and look for the little things, The things that make a this girls heart skip a beat and catch me off guard. Remember those little things. Hold tight to them during separations and remember that no matter how long of a trip it may be you are one day closer to being together.

Adventure in the Woods

2010-06-05T09:46:00.000-07:00

Over Memorial Day weekend the family and I packed up and headed east to the mountains. Camping. Since I was out voted 5 to 1 I felt like I had not choice but to go and since this would only be the second time I have camped in 2 years I couldn't complain. Camping is not my first choice of activites but the rest of my family loves it.

On the way to our campsite we stopped off for dinner and found a Big Lot's next door. We stopped in Big Lots and my husband found a 2 person blow up boat. Knowing that our campsite was right on the lake we couldn't pass it up. We had every nook of my car crammed with stuff. I wasn't sure where we would put this boat but we found room and off we went. It was late when we got to our campsite. We finally got set up and the kids fished for a bit and before we knew it we were off to bed.

I woke from my first night of sleep to a quacking duck. I couldn't help but wonder where her alarm clock was because I was sure people didn't wake at this hour. Especially people who had to set up camp in the dark. It wasn't long before everyone was up and out of the tent and I just layed in the air bed hoping for a few more hours of sleep. My husband came back to tell me the "noise" was a mama duck and her babies and YES she was right by the tent at one point. Until, we came out and scared her away.

I spent much of the day looking for mama and her babies. I wanted to see the little ducks. I was not successful in seeing mama duck and her babies on the first day. BUT I did make a new friend. She decided that when we cooked she wanted to come to dinner. It seemed like every time we started the grill our new friend headed for our campsite. She would take food right out of your hand but hiss at you the whole time. I decided she must be a teenager because of the attitude. :)

The rest of the day was spent just enjoying doing whatever we wanted. I read my new book and everyone else enjoyed nature. I was still on a quest to see mama duck and her babies. The next morning we woke to quacking but she was further away. Still no mama duck in sight. Later that afternoon my daughter and husband start telling me LOOK, LOOK, LOOK MOM. I couldn't see what they were wanting me to look at, until I turned around. I turned around to see mama duck and her babies taking a bath in the little stream by our campsite. Quickly I shoved the camera at one of my family members and I found the bread so I could feed them.

I enjoyed feeding mama and her babies and seeing them interact with each other. What I didn't expect was to get a lesson from God. As I watched mama duck and her babies depart that day, I noticed that they left without fuss or any arguing. When mama decided it was time to go the little babies fell in line and off they went. When God tries to get me in line and move me to another adventure I often put my feet in the sand and say "Are you sure you have the right person? Did you really mean that for me Lord?" I ask a ton of questions instead of just being obedient and follow where God wants me to go.

I also made the observation that God may be trying to push me out of the nest so to speak. One of my best girlfriends is getting ready to have a baby. I LOVE BABIES but that means that our friendship will change. The frequent phone calls may not be as frequent. That doesn't mean we won't still be best friends it just means that for a while things will be different. Ever since I came to Fort Bragg I have complained and whinned about not having friends here like I did at Fort Campbell. But other than a few activities with the kids and meeting some friends there, I haven't really done much to find any new friends. I haven't stepped out of my comfort zone to make new friends. While I know my BFF is so excited about her baby and the new miracle of life, and I am super excited for them-I get all the fun and none of the mess, I can't help but think that God is using this to help push me past the comfort zone of phone a friend.

In the next few weeks I am going to remain open to the things that God wants me to do. I'm going to try to just follow the Lord and not question His reason or why. Afterall, I'm in much better shape when He is leading the way instead of myself.

Key Ring Thing

2010-05-17T05:07:00.000-07:00

While I was standing in the check out the other day I saw a lady hand the cashier a plastic card about the size of a credit card. The cashier scanned the card and the lady in front of me the card had worked for her discount card. She then explained to me what it was and I have to share it with you. It's called Key Ring Thing.

For a small fee you can have 6 of your plastic key ring things put on a plastic card about the size of a credit card. Those plastic tags are taking over my key ring. It seems I have to have one for every store I shop at and to carry the full size plastic card is out of the question. I don't have that much wallet space. I love the idea of Key Ring Thing and can't wait to get mine.

Bucket List

2010-05-10T20:38:00.000-07:00

Since the movie Bucket List, there have been many discussions, references and even crazy attempts at things people have put on their list. Lately I have been thinking about my own bucket list. But I wasn't sure what I would put on it.

I like to go after the things I want. I have learned over the years to pray first and act second. That has kept me from getting into a bunch of trouble. Well, most of the time it has. When I act first and pray second things can get all out of control.

Tonight I saw a Tweet about a bucket list. That got me thinking again about my list. What do I put on it? What are things I would like to do before I die? If that isn't one thing making you face your mortality I don't know what is. But I won't keep you in suspense any longer. Here is what I think I would like to accomplish before I...........you know.

1. Laugh. I don't laugh nearly enough. I tend to be all business and no play. I want to laugh everyday. I want to have a great big belly laugh and tears running down my face.

2. Embrace each step my children make. Whether I agree with it or not I want to embrace their decision and realize that I have planted seeds in them. It's up to them to let them grow.

3. Have a wedding that I planned. Our wedding was a nice event but I didn't have much say so in it. Our budget was nothing and my dress ended up way to big. I want to be on the beach renewing our vows.

4. Of course, I want to finish losing the weight I have gained from having babies. I am well on my way but I would love to make my goal weight on of these days.

5. Live to be 100. Think of all the things our grandparents have seen. I want to be able to share the things I have seen and learned with my great-great grandchildren.

6. Finally realize no matter how hard I try at times I am not in control of this ship. God is leading the way and I can choose to follow Him or I can choose to stomp my feet like a 2 year old.

That's it. Really. I don't have crazy things on my list. It's mostly day to day things. But today is a day that I will not get back and tomorrow is not guaranteed. Instead of wishing for tomorrow I am going to enjoy the day.

Your Hands

2010-05-06T10:20:00.000-07:00

JJ Heller has become one of my favorite Christian artists. This is her latest song and it has truly spoken to me. I am forever thankful that no matter what happens in my life I am in God's hands. Heaven will always stand no matter how tough things get. Enjoy.

RETURN~!

2010-04-26T13:46:00.000-07:00

It was so nice to have a few days of uninterrupted time with my husband. We just did whatever we wanted to do and didn't have to worry about who's hungry or tired.
We arrived home about dinner time last night. The kids and papa were gone out to eat for dinner. For a few minutes it was still quiet at the Burrous' house. Once the children arrived it was nonstop chatter. I love how they all want to tell me every detail of every event that happened. Our youngest likes to re-enact the events for my viewing pleasure. Before to long it was time to send everyone to bed because it was a school night. We said our good nights and turned in early ourselves.

The chaos always begins with the alarm clock. Except this morning I couldn't remember what day it was. That dreaded beeping wakes you from a dead sleep and you can't for the life of you remember why it was going off anyway. Once I came to I remembered that today is chalked full of stuff I must get done because we were gone for a few days. Among the list of things to do today was to take my step-dad back to the airport.

I almost had a sigh of relief when I put my step-dad on the plane to go home. I love having my family come and visit. I also love that they are all willing and able to come and visit. We have had a steady stream of company since the end of March. It's now the end of April. For a few short weeks we will get to experience our "normal" life without thinking about who is coming next.

My vacation from my vacation will be in the form of sitting at the ballpark watching my boys play baseball. Relaxing on the front porch with my husband while my children run around the yard. Or just plain sitting and doing nothing, embracing each moment with my family. Before too long the latest TDY or deployment will be here and we will have a new set of "normal". But for now I am choosing to see the time in between trips as our vacation.

RETREAT!

2010-04-22T08:20:00.000-07:00

I am filled with anticipation today as I wait to leave for our marriage retreat. My husband is off at work, I am working on school work with the boys and I can't seem to concentrate on a thing. I feel like a kid waiting for Santa to come the next morning.

My husband and I have been on several marriage retreats. We have gone with children and without children. I truly enjoy the trips without our kids. Now, of course, I love my children and would do anything for them but there are times in my marriage that my husband and I need to be just that. Husband and wife. We need to take time out of our schedule and take off the many hats that we wear and just be husband and wife.

In a few short years our oldest will be off to college. That is hard to believe. Her high school years will fly by and before we know it we will be sending the rest of the children off to live their own adventurous life. That makes this retreat and any that follow that much more important.

My husband and I have always tried to have some sort of alone time. We like being together and even if we run out of things to talk about we enjoy just sitting with each other. (trust me I don't run out of things to talk about often, but it does happen once in a while) We have always known that eventually the children would leave and it would be just us. There are days we can't wait for that to happen. Then there are days it scares me to death.

By taking these mini-getaways and nurturing our relationship of husband and wife we are preparing for our future. We are stronger parents and partners because of it. Plus we get to do grown up things! For example, go to a restaurant that may or may not have a children's menu or you don't have to pick up your order at the window. We can stay out late and not worry about bed time, walk in stores that would require us to say "DON'T TOUCH" a thousand times, and the best part.......just stroll along together. No worries about someone running into the street or who is getting hungry or bored. Just walking along together, husband and wife.

Hurry Up and Wait

2010-04-21T10:48:00.000-07:00

Each day is what you make it. Have you heard that before? Do you believe it? I used to live life waiting for things to happen. We would wait to move because we knew PCS orders were coming. We would wait for a family trip because deployment was looming. Or we would wait for material things because we didn’t have the money or we weren’t sure if we would need/want them at the next duty station.

Waiting seems to be a big part of military life. The saying goes “hurry up and wait.” I got tired of that saying. I am still tired of that saying. After all what was I waiting for? God didn’t say hurry up and wait, the Army did. Okay, maybe He did say hurry up and wait. There have been times where God had us in a holding pattern. We didn’t know what the purpose was or why we were waiting but we knew that God would take care of us. Why do we get frustrated when the Army says hurry up and wait but we don’t seem as frustrated when God says wait. Is it because we know in the Army that hurry up and wait really means “I’ll get to your paperwork when I feel like it”, OR, “your paperwork will get pushed through when we see good and fit.” But when we wait on the Lord we know that all things will work out for His Glory. He isn’t sending us anywhere He hasn’t already been. Most of us have a more resolved feeling when we are waiting on the Lord but we hate life when we are waiting on the military.

I don’t like hurry up and wait. I have never liked it. But I can learn to seek God instead of man when I wait. I can seek the lesson that God wants me to have and not the frustration of worry and wonder. When a situation arises and calls for you to wait, remember you are waiting on God not the Army. I think God is a little bigger than the Army. He knows your needs and concerns. He will lead you through the valley. Will you let Him?

Shoes

2010-04-01T14:21:00.000-07:00

These past few weeks have flown by. With Ted home, and unsure of how long he can stay, I have managed to keep up busy with projects and things that need to be done for his entire block leave. Who knew owning a home could be this much work? :) One of the great things was that we worked together. All of the projects were projects that needed to get done or things we wanted to get done. Having him here to help with things is such a blessing.

One night as I was cleaning up before heading to bed, I got mad because I am constantly tripping over shoes. With 6 of us in the house and three of us girls, there are shoes everywhere. Since we have white carpet there is a NO SHOES allowed rule. You must take them off as you enter the house. We have 3 entrances into the house. All three are forever blocked with shoes. If anyone has a solution to this problem, please let me know. I have tried buckets and shoe racks all with little success.

As I was stomping around mad about stubbing my toe and having to look at shoes everywhere, I suddenly had a change of heart. I was walking into the kitchen and saw all the shoes lined up at the back door. My husband had taken the time to line them up, as if to organize the clutter. But in that moment I had to stop and thank the Lord for my family blessing. Every member of our family had a pair of shoes to represent them at the backdoor. My husband had the rugged work boots-just as he is a hard worker and takes pride in his work. My oldest daughter had flip flops-as if to say I don't have time for regular shoes, that would slow me down. My youngest daughter had trendy flats-she is the fashion diva of the house, even playing outside requires style. My oldest son had sneakers-ones that he has worn for about 8 months now and has officially outgrown but continues to wear because they are good for exploring the woods. My youngest son also had a pair of flip flops, while the most daring creature in our family he doesn't feel the need to be practical with a shoe choice. If he jumps from the tree house and they fall off-he just puts them back on when he hits the ground. I had a pair of sandals. I have always hated shoes. Well, let me rephrase that. I love to buy them and the way they look but I hate anything on my feet. Most days you will find me barefoot.

What I learned in those few brief moments is how each of us make up this family and how truly blessed I am to have each and every one of them in my life. It won't be long before the children start leaving the nest. Mackenzie is getting ready to drive and before we know it she will be college bound. Once she leaves it will spark a sprint to the finish for the rest of them. Where does the time go? How can our children be this old? It seems like only yesterday we were chasing Mackenzie around the corner while she learned to drive her Barbie Jeep.

I could go on and on about the memories that I have. Some days it brings tears to my eyes to think that they are growing so fast and soon will be off to find a life that they have dreamed of. I am forever thankful and blessed to be living the life I dreamt of. So when you are mad about the dishes in the sick after you just did them and then the teenagers cleaned their room, or there are Cheerios all over a floor that you just swept and mopped, OR there is a "sticky" substance that you know wasn't there ten minutes ago-use all of those things that drive you crazy as a reminder of how blessed you are to have a family that you dreamt of when you were little. I'm going to try and be less crazy and now thankful for those things. I can't guarantee that it will work every day but with God's help I know He will show me the blessings in the mess.

"R" Day

2010-03-05T12:40:00.000-08:00

Well, our "R" day has finally arrived! My husband has returned home and we are trying to settle into life as we know it. My husband was originally supposed to return home on Monday. When I called the unit to see about return times I found out he actually wasn't coming in until the next afternoon. Tuesday afternoon arrived and I didn't get a call from my husband. At the end of the work day I called the unit again to see what time to expect my husband. I was then told it had been pushed back to midnight. I asked the silly question "Is it possible the time will change again?" The answer I got was not clear. It was possible there would be another delay because of the weather this time.

On Tuesday afternoon we had predictions of snow and wintery conditions. School had already been delayed two hours the next day before the school day was even over. After watching Biggest Loser I noticed that it had started to snow and was sticking to the grass and the roads in our subdivision. I had admitted defeat and was convinced that my husband would again be delayed. SOOOO, off to bed I went. I was actually asleep before 11:30 p.m., which is highly unusually for me. At 1 am I got the sweetest phone call from my husband. He said "Hey babe, can you come and pick me up?" Getting to the unit took longer than normal because of the snow but the drive and the late night was well worth it.

What I didn't know about the delays and yet another delayed school day was the blessings that God had waiting for us. God knew that if my huband's return was delayed and the girls had a delay for school, that first morning home we would get to hang out as a family. The girls would get to spend a few uninterupted hours with their dad just relaxing and enjoying having him home.

The last few days have been relaxing. I finally feel like I can breathe again. I always feel like I am holding my breath when he is gone. I have my husband back. The man that makes me laugh and laughs at me. He enjoys my cooking much more than my children do.

Although we know about the next deployment and it's not far away, I am trying to focus on the positive that my husband is here. Projects may have to wait until the next "R" time. This time I am focusing on making memories that will get us through the next deployment.

Anticipation

2010-02-28T16:48:00.000-08:00

As I write this I am waiting for my husband to come home from his most recent deployment. Not much longer. I would love to scream (or type) exactly when he will be here but because of OPSEC I can only tell you it will be soon.

I sat down to type an email and when I approached my computer I saw the picture of my husband that I have set as my desktop picture. I look at the picture and think "Not much longer."(insert the number of sleeps left) But I also wonder if maybe I have dreamt this man up in my imagination.

In reality I know I am married and I know that my husband will be here. I didn't magically conceive and give birth to our children. I know that I have talked to my husband on the phone and even had a Video Tele-conference with him. But until he is actually here and I can touch him it feels like I am living in a made for TV movie.

Once I finally wrap my brain around the fact that he is coming home I start to think about the what ifs that come with "R" day.(reunion day) What if he doesn't recognize me? What if I don't look good to him any more? What if I don't recognize him? What if..........

I think it's normal to play the what if game. We have been apart for so long that it's hard to imagine life together again. Although I have fantasized about it for the entire deployment. I couldn't wait for "R" day. The kids and I would count down how many sleeps left and some days it was all I had to go through the motions of life because that's all I had to give.

As we all anxiously await the return of our loved ones, remember that your husband is reality. You didn't dream him up. He will look every bit as handsome as the day he left and you will recognize him the minute you see him. Just as you can pick out the back of your child in any crowd you will be able to pick out your husband as well. You will look better than your husband remembered. He too has longed for the day to be home and see you.

Not much longer and I will see my handsome husband. Then I am going to lock the door and shut the world out. The kids and I need to reconnect with the man we have longed to have home for so long. Before we know it, it will be back to life as a normal military family. If there is such a thing as normal in this military life.

Dot-to-Dot

2010-02-26T18:40:00.000-08:00

I am currently going through a bible study with First Place for Health. Last week during the bible study we talked about being obedient to God. We talked a lot about what it means to be obedient to God with our bodies and our food choices.

During the discussion one of our ladies talked about how she saw the journey as a dot-to-dot. Think about how a child does a simple dot-to-dot picture. If they have completed the dot-to-dot accurately it turns out as a picture of something. If, for some reason, they missed a dot or didn't follow the order of the numbers the picture isn't always clear.

There have been times in my life where I felt like I could skip a dot and move onto the next one. Little did I know that God would present me with that dot all over again. Because just like that child's picture, if I missed a step my life would look like that scribbling.

Our God is a great God that allows us to go back and try again. Many times in my life I have had to get a lesson more than once. Sometimes I was just to stubborn to admit that God was right and I needed to change or do something different. Trust me when I say that God and I have been working on that! I often have felt like he would take a frying pan and hit me gently on the head as if to knock some sense into me. That is what I call my "Ah HA Honey moments." I have those moments all the time.

Before those "ah ha honey moments" my picture would be all frazzled and out of sorts. I am usually out of sorts too. But after that moment where I finally get the lesson my picture starts to come back into focus.

Don't lose sight of your masterpiece picture. God designed you to be a great military wife. You were called here just like your husband was called to serve our great country. God knew you would marry a man in uniform. He has equipped you with the tools you will need. It's your choice how you use them.

I still stumble and get bruised knees. I won't pretend to know it all but I know we serve a great big LOVING God that holds us military wives close. Chose to connect with God today. He's waiting for you right where you are.

Fantasy or Reality

2010-02-21T19:19:00.001-08:00

During my journey as a military wife I have learned a few things. Like, never plan to far ahead and expect things to go smoothly, don't get attached to furniture that you let the movers take and hope for the best but prepare for the worst. The last saying is actually my husband's. He always tells me to hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

We are officially counting down by days instead of weeks or months. I am trying to keep my husband's return a secret from the children but it's becoming harder and harder as the days/hours tick by.

Today, as I was cleaning as a crazy woman, memories started to pop into my mind. With my husband's unpredictable schedule I try to hold onto each memory with a firm grip until he returns to make new memories. Sometimes I wonder if the memories I want to happen and the memories that have happened start to blur. When its time for my husband to return I start to think about laying in bed snuggled up together or going to lunch or just plain old everyday stuff that I have missed. I even start to think about yelling at him to put away his laundry. :)

So today, I am preparing for the best and hoping for the best. It doesn't matter if the memories are fantasy or reality. My husband won't care if the house is cleaned or the yard is manicured. His reality is that he wants to come home and be home. I bet if I asked him his fantasy would be just to be home. The reality is we aren't far away from that dream. I close my eyes at night and think of my husband laying right next to me. And we aren't far away from that dream becoming a reality.

No matter where you are in deployment keep dreaming about your husband. Keep wishing for memories and holding onto the ones that are dear to you. Those memories bring a smile to your face and they might even make you laugh. Some times it's the simple things that help us get through deployed life.

Pick Me Up

2010-02-16T13:44:00.000-08:00

God always knows when I need a little extra love. I shouldn't be surprised or amazed by this any more. He has been taking care of me for 34 years now. (OOOPS, Did I just tell me age? :)

The past few days I haven't felt the greatest. The couch and my bed have been my best friend. Today I was determined to kick this cold in the butt and make it vacate my body. I dropped the girls off at school, the boys off at home-school group and headed to the gym. I was going to sweat out all the germs I could. I did a mild workout and took my time showering and getting ready to pick up the boys. It was a nice peaceful morning. Except for this cough that sounds so much worse than it is. You know the kind where you turn around and look at the person and think 'Oh, poor girl, she should be home in bed.' Yep that would be me today!

But as the day pressed on and I checked a few things off my to do list I began to feel icky again. So I decided the computer and I would become one. I would work on those things that I always put off and never get to. Like announcements on the FMWCN page. As I was working I heard a little knock at the front door. That is my cue that it is kids and my kids will take care of it.

After a few knocks I get up to answer the door wondering where my children are. It was our newest neighbors oldest son. He came carrying cookies for, as he put it, OUR WHOLE FAMILY. He then asked if my two sons who were playing with them could have a cookie. I said sure. The neighbor boy took two cookies off the plate and took them to my boys. I brought the plate of cookies inside and I couldn't resist them. I had to have one and then another. A few minutes later I hear the same knock. I get up to answer the door again and it was the neighbor boy who explained that he was suppose to take his plate home. I gave him his plate and told him the cookies are yummy. He looked at me in shock that I would eat one of them. He gave me that look that all kids give parents when we eat the good stuff. That 'HEY THAT'S MINE!' look.

Wouldn't you know it? A few minutes later there is another knock at the door. This time I can hear kids running around in the front and figure that whoever is knocking will get help from them. I am, after all, trying to become one with the computer. The knocking continues and I once again get up to see who it is. This time I find the neighbors middle son at my door. Before I could even get the door open all the way he yells "I WANT MORE COOKIES!" His mom had told him no more until after dinner so he thought he would come and see if I would give him any. How cute is that?

As I sat back down to continue my quest to become one with the computer I couldn't help but feel so loved. Our neighbor baked cookies and thought of me. She didn't have to do that. She did out of the kindness of her heart. It helped me to see the funny conversation I had with her son who wanted more cookies and helped me to see that even when I don't feel it God is watching out for me and nudging me to embrace each and every moment that I have. Becoming one with the computer will have to wait for another day. I'm going to sit and laugh at the children as they run around and act silly. Some days there is nothing better than laughter. It is good for your soul.

Another D-Day Done

2010-02-15T11:25:00.000-08:00

Today marks another day off of our deployment calendar. The time is growing shorter and soon my husband will be home.

I should be doing a million things around the house to get ready for my husbands return but if I do it now I will only have to do it again just before he gets here. I have been putting off all of the house cleaning, carpet cleaned and organizing that needs to be done.

The last couple of days I have not been feeling the greatest so I have stayed in PJ's. Why is it that those days when you don't accomplish much on the to do list go the fastest? Laying in the bed has made the days fly by. Maybe I am on to something here!

On a normal day I run around like a chicken with my head cut off. My kids aren't over scheduled, I am. Having 4 of them in different activities means a lot of mom taxi on the road. Usually about half way through the day I am praying for it to be bed time so I can have 5 minutes of peace to myself. But the last two days I have slept and tried to nurse myself back to health and find myself praying for a few extra hours in the day so I can rest some more.

I have enjoyed laying on the couch and in the bed doing absolutely nothing. I'm thankful to have older children that can get themselves a meal or offer to make something simple for themselves to eat. Even though I haven't felt the greatest I am reminded to focus on the positive things and many blessings around me. I am blessed to have great kids and wonderful friends around me. What are your blessings today? What positive things are there in your life that you may have over looked?

Have Not

2010-02-13T17:36:00.001-08:00

Since moving to Fort Bragg, NC we have struggled to find a church home. When I think I have found one something doesn't feel just right. We usually stay at a church for a while before we move on. The last few weeks I have been visiting a small local church that reminds me of the Souled Out Church in the Yada Yada books by Neta Jackson.

The church we visited is in a shopping center, it has the big store front windows. On our first visit to the church their was a potluck the next week and we were instructed to bring enough food for our family plus one so there would be enough food for visitors to stay and enjoy the fellowship. If you have read the Yada Yada books you know that they do the same type of thing.

Although the church felt strangely familiar even though I had never been there, something didn't feel just right. I'm not sure what I am expecting when I church hop but I didn't have that instant connection or hear angels sing as I entered the door as my sign that I was where I was supposed to be.

During our first visit at the church the pastor was talking about prayer and what makes a good prayer. I will admit that I drifted in and out of the sermon. I'm not sure where I am in my walk with God but I know that I am drifting some where. I need to reconnect but I'm not sure how to do that. But in between my daydreaming I did hear what I think God wanted me to hear.

One of the points the pastor said about prayer is this- "Do you pray about what you don't have or do you complain about it?" OUCH! That hit me right in the stomach. When the pastor said that statement I realized that I wasn't praying about what I didn't have, I was happy complaining about it. I just wanted everyone to pat me on the back and rock me with their words. I wasn't sure I could pray about it or knew how to pray about it. Shortly before visiting this church I had found out that my husband will be deployed again and rather quickly after his return from this deployment. YUCK!

As the pastor went through his sermon I kept saying to God "God it's me asking you to please let me have my husband for more than a few weeks. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to go through another deployment this soon. I know that with your grace and strength I can get through it. But Lord, I need my husband. My kids need my husband. This is me asking you to find a way for him to stay here a little longer." Not much of a prayer huh? It was more like me pleading with God to let my husband stay here. But I wasn't sure how to pray about it without seeming selfish.

At the end of the sermon the pastor made the point "You have not because you ask not." He did give the scripture reference but I can't remember it right off the top of my head. I had tears in my eyes at that point and continued with my plea. "Please Lord, let my husband stay here longer."

I still don't know exactly when the next trip will be but I know it's coming. I also know that the Lord will show me how to pray for the things I need in stead of sounding like a two year old. And I know that the Lord will meet me right where I am and right now I am at the pleading stage.

During trying times do you complain about what you don't have or do you pray about it? I'm going to try and stop picking up the phone to complain about something and start getting on my knees more. How about you?

Memory

2010-01-18T17:27:00.000-08:00

When my children were small we used to play the game 'Memory'. Back then there was only one or two versions of the game. Today you can find just about any character on the Memory box. Even though the characters change the game remains the same. You have to remember where the card is and match it up.

This past week I went to my First, First Place 4 Health meeting. During that meeting we were told about what to expect. One of the things we are expected to do is memorize scripture each week along with our bible study. I have always had trouble remembering scripture. I could tell you our schedule by heart(most days) but reciting scripture from heart feels like it's a whole different ball game.

Our leader went on to tell us the importance of memorizing scripture, the same stuff I had heard from all of my pastors. I know it's important, I know I lack in this area of my spiritual life. God has been working on me with this. Then our leader went on to say, "what if one day we weren't allowed to carry our bibles with us? Or even a bible application on our cell phones? What if one day our country turned from freedom of religion and we couldn't have those things?"

That was one of the biggest wake up moments for me. I take for granted that I have an app on my Blackberry to search for a Scripture or read the bible while I'm waiting for the kids. I also take for granted that I can carry my bible with me where ever I go. It had never occurred to me that there may be a day when we won't be able to do that.

I'm not a fortune teller. I'm not going to say that we are headed in the direction of taking away our freedom of religion........but what if it happens? What if one day we can't have those things we cherish to help grow our walk with the Lord? Are you prepared with scripture memorized? Would you be prepared with Scripture locked away in your memory?

Deployment Seasons

2010-01-10T19:06:00.000-08:00

If you have ever been through deployment you know one is not the same as the next. It's almost like being pregnant and giving birth. While the overall situation was the same, 9 months of pregnancy and a baby at the end, each pregnancy and birth was very different.

Several years ago when my husband went to a Special Operations Unit, I thought the idea was splendid. I romanced the idea of shorter deployments and the idea of never having to be apart for a year. I will admit that shorter deployments are nice. The count down isn't as long and I can see the end fairly quickly. The part I wasn't ready for was all the emotion that goes with deployments. It doesn't matter if the time apart is 3 months, 6 months, 9 months or a year, there are a ton of emotions to go with the deployment.

When you first send your spouse off you have the initial "OH MY GOSH HE'S GONE" Syndrome. I don't pick up anything he left out for at least a week. You have the tears and the days where you want to pull the covers over your head and tell the world to go away. Especially if the people that call or come by aren't military friends or family. It's been my experience that civilian friends and family don't understand our deployment life. They really don't understand the hide under the covers day. This phase of deployment also starts the point where I feel like I am holding my breath waiting for my husband to return.

Once a few days have passed, I decide it's time to take deployment by the horns and conquer it. I am in "CONQUER THE DEPLOYMENT" Phase. At this point I decide to move furniture, by furniture, take classes, a new bible study, or the kids have a new adventure with sports or something of the sort. This is the part of deployment where people will look at you and simply say "I don't know how you do it."While you appreciate the comment and smile you secretly want to dust their house or wash that mark off the wall.

Then we get to about mid tour and I get to the phase of deployment called "I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANY MORE!" During this junction in the road I have decided, for my husband, that he simply needs to leave the military as fast as possible when he gets back. Whatever way will get him out and we won't have to endure another deployment will work just fine for me. This part of deployment is frustrating for me. I want my husband home yesterday. I can't go back to stage one and eat Chips Ahoy and pull the covers over my head because of phase 2. I have signed us up for all of these new things that are taking place and are still in full swing.

After a few weeks pass the frustration of phase 3 starts to leave. The return date gets closer and I start in on phase 4. "I THINK I CAN, I THINK I CAN, I THINK I CAN." I begin to think I can finish this deployment a sane mama and wife. I begin to think that this deployment while difficult, didn't kill me and I am may be stronger for it. It's almost close enough to start counting down the days with all those cute countdown tickers in the signature lines. Now I start to rearrange furniture and cupboards, drawers, whatever I can get my hands on. My husband wouldn't feel like he was at home if he didn't have to relearn where I put everything while he was gone.

Then we journey towards the phase of deployment called "WELCOME HOME!" My husband's return is so close I can taste it. I must buy anything and everything new. Bras, panties, clothes, get my hair done, clean the house, rearrange a few more things, and OH YA! clean the garage. During the phase 2 and 4 everything that left the living space of the house has made it to the garage and stayed there. I must clean the garage so my husband can walk through it. The kids and I start to make WELCOME HOME Banners and I will tell anyone that will sit still for 2 seconds that my husband is almost home.

Now we get to the fun part. T-2 days and counting. I'm sure I have never really slept at the T-2 phase. I keep thinking of things I need to do or should have done. I'm to excited to sleep and start to think about which new outfit I will wear when I pick my husband up. I envision his face as he sees us. I can almost feel us holding each other tight. We are almost done with deployment.

FINALLY! It's R DAY. Reunion Day. Today is the day I thought would never come. He is within my hands reach and we are in the same town, same space, same time zone and will be together again. I no longer have to be a single parent or great fixer of all things. I no longer have to be macho mom. I can just be mom. When I finally get to hug my husband I feel like I can breathe again. I can exhale and relax just a little bit. I can lay in the bed without extra pillows and fall asleep with my head on my husband's chest. Our home is our home again.(with exception to the things my husband has moved because he wasn't sure where they went)

Now just like giving birth you forget about how much deployment hurts. The longer my husband is home the more I start to think that if we have to do deployment again we will be okay. The deployment was hard but we grew as parents, a married couple and individuals. While I'm not hoping deployment comes knocking I know we would get through it again.

"He gets angry once in a while, but across a lifetime there is only love. The nights of crying your eyes out give way to days of laughter." Psalms 30:5 The Message.

Scaling Down

2010-01-08T18:30:00.000-08:00

Each week is never the same with the scale. Every time I get on I feel myself holding my breath ready to jump for joy if the number is good and ready with Chips Ahoy if it's bad.

As I continue on my weight loss/healthy living journey it's difficult not to look at the scale. I have been told a million times to not scale watch. I know you should take measurements and see how your clothes fit but I still look to the scale for answers.

The first time I started down this road I went it alone. I didn't ask God into my weight loss journey because I felt like I had failed. I felt like I had failed myself, my family and most of all God. When it was a bad week with my 'friend' the scale I would beat myself up about what I could have done better or "why did you have to eat that?" A bad week on the scale was just what the enemy wanted for me. He knew how to help me dig my hole deeper and deeper away from God.

It wasn't until the passing of my grandma that I finally gave this area of my life to God. I held my hands up like so many times before and said "Lord, you have to help me. I want to be better, I want to do better and I can't do this by myself." I felt the Lord hold me tight and calm my fears just like I knew He would.

Since that day I have had good scale days and bad. The difference is on a good day I give the glory to God because without His help I wouldn't be where I am today. On a bad day I spend quiet time with the Lord and ask Him to help see things I need to improve on instead of hiding with the bag of Chips Ahoy.

“Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.” Proverbs 16:3 NIV

Healthy Coaching Habits

2010-01-08T13:04:00.000-08:00

Today I had the second coaching session with my Health Coach from Military One Source. After I got off the phone with her I received my kit from the FedEx man. In the kit came a letter explaining what was in the kit, great resource book, a tape measure to take your measurements, a pedometer and a magnet for the fridge.

What I love about everything is that it says "I CAN CHANGE." What a great reminder everyday that I can change. Each day is a new day. What happened yesterday doesn't have to happen again today. Unless of course it was a great day.

You can find more information about the Military One Source Healthy Habit Coaching by checking their web-site.

10 Ways to Get Fit After the Holidays

2010-01-06T19:10:00.000-08:00

After reading about the contest on twittermoms.com I thought I would blog about this. 5 Winners will receive a copy of EA sports for Wii.

In an effort to lose weight and get in shape I started making changes to my lifestyle about a year ago. During that time I have managed to lose about 60 pounds. Losing weight and making changes to your life is never easy and it takes time. So here are 10 tips for getting fit after the holidays!

1. Be prepared for a marathon not a sprint to the finish. It doesn't matter if you have 5 pounds or 50 pounds to lose it will take time. It took time to put the weight on it will take time to get it back off.

2. Don't beat yourself up about going out to eat once in a while. One meal will not make or break your weight loss for the week. Just make sure that one meal doesn't turn into 2 meals, then 5 and before you know it you aren't sure of the last healthy thing you ate.

3. Make small changes to start. Start by eating more fresh vegetables and fruit. Whatever you decide to start with stick with it for at least a week.

4. DRINK WATER! I can tell, almost immediately, when I haven't consumed enough water for the day.

5. Move more. Learn an exercise that you enjoy. I never thought I would like running but I can say that I love it now. I am training for a 5K and then 10K marathon. It's hard work but I enjoy how I feel when I am done running. How do you know you don't like something if you never tried it?

6. Don't join a gym until you know you will be committed to going. In our area we have rec centers that have work out equipment that you can use for free. Walk outside or find a friend that would like to walk the mall with you. Walking is a great exercise.

7. Allow yourself a learning curve. What works well for one person may not work well for you. If your weight loss journey is long you may have to change what works after a while.

8. Don't drink your calories, eat them. I personally don't waster calories on soda or any kind of liquids. Occasionally, I will have Diet Coke but I have been sticking to water.

9. Find gadgets that you like. I love my BodyBugg. I have been tracking everything in and out for about 7 weeks and lost almost 15 pounds using this tool.

10.ASK FOR HELP! There will be days when you need encouragement, ask for support. Don't allow an off day to determine the rest of your healthy living journey.

Birthday Blessings

2010-01-03T20:27:00.000-08:00

Every year as my children get older I reminisce about being pregnant with them, about their birth, about how they were as babies and toddlers. Then I hear the screams of "MMMMOOOOOMMMM" and I am brought back to the present day reality.

Usually I go back through time with my husband. He just sits by and lets me go down memory road. I wish I could be more like my husband when it comes to the kids and their birthdays. I feel like he embraces each birthday and welcomes the next year's challenges while I am dragging my heals in the sand trying to stop time. In reality I know I can't stop time, it just seems to pass by so fast these days. It wasn't long ago I was changing diapers and chasing kids at the park or longing for all 4 of them to nap at the same time. My reality is now breaking up arguments of silly substance and playing taxi driver or short order cook as I constantly hear "What's to eat?"

Today's birthday was a little different. I didn't have a birth to think about or how it was when the children were little because it was my birthday today. I think my mom may journey down the road of memories when it comes to my birth. This year my birthday blessings came in so many ways I was overwhelmed.

Yesterday started my blessing journey. My husband called and sort of sang Happy Birthday to me a day early. My husband told me it wasn't a day early because it was already my birthday where he was. Then my children had requested to go shopping for me. My two oldest children also requested a list of things I would like for my birthday. Then to my surprise they told me that they wanted to use their own money to buy my present. After shopping and finding the right present we headed for home.

Today is my actual birthday. My day started out great except for the nagging headache that I have had. The kids all entertained themselves and I didn't have to play referee to any arguments. One of the children went with a friend to a basketball game and the rest of us headed to the book store.

Throughout the day I have had several phone calls to wish me a happy birthday. My husband was one of them. He wanted to tell me happy birthday on my birthday since I insisted he was a day early on the last phone call. I had many happy birthday wishes on Facebook and in text messages. But one thing stayed constant all day. I felt loved and blessed to share my day with my children, family and friends. Even though my husband isn't here to help me celebrate my birthday in person, I have had one of the best birthdays a girl could ask for.

In case you are wondering what the girls bought me for my birthday, I received an exercise ball, a cross necklace and a ring that I had wanted forever. They were so proud of themselves. I was so proud of them. They are becoming some of the most beautiful girls am mom could ask for.

Important Recall Notice

2010-01-01T08:24:00.000-08:00

I received this in an email and I couldn't help but share it. Remember as you start the new year to seek God first, last and always.

RECALL NOTICE:

The Maker of all human beings (GOD) is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart.

This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed "Sub-sequential Internal Non-Morality," or more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily expressed.

Some of the symptoms include:
1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion in the mental component
7. Fearfulness
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion

The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this defect.

The Repair Technician, JESUS, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.

The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.
Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component.

No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:
1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness
6. Goodness
7. Faithfulness
8. Gentleness
9. Self control

Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Believers' Instructions Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.

WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on Jesus.

DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility. Thank you for your attention!

- GOD

P.S. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice, and you may contact the Father any time by 'Knee mail'.

Because He Lives!

One Big Happy Family

2009-12-30T19:44:00.000-08:00

What makes up your family? Most of us will think about our husbands, children, parents, grandparents, siblings......you know, your family. But as a military family the word family means something different to us. Over the years of being a military family we have moved from place to place as the military saw fit. In each location I found friends that became just like my family. Some of the relationships that form out of necessity stay for a season or for a lifetime.

When my husband moved us to Fort Campbell I wasn't sure what we were doing there. But before to long I met the best group of women I could have ever met. Our husbands were deployed together. We were home-front battle buddies. Almost all of the relationships that were formed over that year are still intact. We are now all spread out all over the country but thanks to Facebook and text messaging we are able to stay in touch. Some of us more than others but we still connect.

When I first moved to NC, one of my best friends, Ashley who is more like a sister to me, invited me to come along to Women of Faith with her family. The first year it was Ashley, Jocelyn-Ashley's sister and Mrs. Lipscomb-Ashley's mom. This was the first trip that we would take together. We now plan every year to go together. Ashley's family has taken me in like I am one of their own.

This past weekend I was able to spend time with that part of my extended family. Ashley's family doesn't live far from where I am. Since we moved to North Carolina I have been able to see my best friend twice a year. Once at Women of Faith and once at Christmas time. This year things were a little different because Ashley's sister is pregnant and unable to travel. Instead of Ashley's family traveling to SC for Christmas they went to where Jocelyn lives and rented a house. Because of time constraints I was invited to come and spend a few days with them instead of Ashley traveling to see me.

I wasn't sure how things would go for the few days we would be together but I was excited to go. I have spent time with the women of the Lipscomb family but other than Ashley's husband I hadn't met any of the Lipscomb men. You never know if things will be awkward or uncomfortable but when I got there it was completely the opposite. Ashley and her family made me feel like I belonged there. It was like I had been there all along. Our time together was relaxing. We just enjoyed being together. Nothing major happened or was planned. No agenda to tackle. It was like I was home with my family.

When you are a military family and move all the time it's hard to be near family. From time to time it's hard for your family to understand your lifestyle and the choices that you have to make. But when you find an extended family that takes you in and loves you and your kids like one of their own it's worth holding on to.

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T17:52:00.000-08:00

Today was a glorious day. Today is the day the Lord gave us His son Jesus. There are as many traditions as there are families when it comes to celebrating the birth of Jesus.

I didn't grow up in a spiritual family. I knew about God and Jesus but I lacked the personal connection with God. Christmas was a time for presents, eating, gossip and family. I loved being at my grandparent's on Christmas Eve. There were tons of family members in a small place and laughter filled the rooms. I never wanted to leave. From time to time we would play cards and stay up way to late. I loved having family around.

Since I met my husband and became a military family I haven't been able to make the trip home for Christmas much. My grandma has passed away about a year and a half ago but everyone still goes to see grandpa on Christmas Eve. All the aunts, uncles and cousins pile in the small house to have dinner and be a family. If there is any one thing I miss about my family's traditions it's Christmas Eve.

Having a husband that is deployed during the holidays is hard. The kids are more on edge and I am missing my husband. I realized this year, as I do on a daily basis, my kids are not getting any younger. Before I know it they will be grown and out of the house. Our oldest is almost ready to drive. Even though my husband isn't here I felt a sense of urgency to start our own traditions.

This year we prepped the house on Christmas Eve as we not so patiently waited for Santa to arrive. This morning the kids were allowed to open their stockings without me downstairs. That usually keeps them busy for a couple hours while I wake up at a decent hour. This year the excitment couldn't be contained for more than about 30 minutes. Although the stocking tradition has been in place for a few years my husband and I never get much sleep after the children wake up. They are all to excited for the day.

One of the new traditions I started this year was to take our time opening presents. We didn't need to get anywhere in a hurry so ww shouldn't be in a hurry opening our presesnts. The kids and I opened a few presents and then played with what they got. Then a few hours later Parker, our youngest, remembered that there were more presents to open. When we left for a friends house for dinner at 3 pm we still had presents to open. I thought for sure that they would want to rush through dinner to get home and finish the ripping of wrapping paper. To my surprise they had such a good time playing that they never asked to leave. I had to round them up and head out.

Once we made it back home we finished unwrapping our treasures that Santa and family had given us. I was overwhelmed at how blessed and loved we are. Being a military family for over 10 years I know that your military friends become your military family. I'm thankful for my military family that is here with my at Fort Bragg, my military family that has been scattered all over the country because of the needs of the Army and my traditional family. How can God love me so much? He has given me family in so many ways.

Over the years I have grown in my faith just as I have in other areas of my life. I am always amazed at how much God loves me and meets me right where I am. He knew I would need someone to spend Christmas with and gave me my good friend Dawn. He also knew I would need to be with my good friend Ashley and brought her closer to me so we can visit for a couple days. The Lord has also brought me closer to Ashley's family and I will also get to see them when I see her. The Lord's love is amazing. As you celebrate the Christmas season with your family and you carry out all those traditions remember that there is a God that loves you.

Zumba Baby!

2009-12-24T09:05:00.000-08:00

RecentlyI had my first experience with Zumba. I had fun with my friend that took me and I burned some calories on Christmas Eve!

Since I hadn't done Zumba before I wasn't sure what to expect. All I really knew from people was that it was a work out and that it was like dancing. The instructor was a blast and the class wasn't to crowded. I'm thankful that I have had some aerobics/dance lessons so I was able to pick up most of the moves. Some were more challenging than others but I'm sure they come in time. Zumba is really like dancing. You move around and have fun at the same time. I like exercise that's fun.

I was thankful that I got to work out and spend time with a friend today. If you haven't tried Zumba you should. Beware! They may be some dance moves you were only used to doing in the bedroom!

Wrapping

2009-12-23T11:30:00.001-08:00

Today is a new day! I'm thankful that each day is new and full of surprises. Sometimes I don't like the surprise that the scale gives me but it's still a surprise.

As I was getting ready to run errands today, I got out of the shower dried off and did the normal stuff. I stopped for a second when I saw myself in the mirror. My hair was pulled back in a pony tail(cause I girl can't wash her hair everyday:) and I had a towel wrapped around me. To my surprise I had a regular towel wrapped around me. I had to do a happy dance right there in my bathroom.

For so long I have carried this extra weight. I really felt like it was my battle scar from having children. I never had an easy pregnancy and ended up gaining tons of weight. I have tried several times to get healthy but life always got in the way. At least until I asked God to help me with my weight loss.

Today as I did my happy dance in the bathroom I was so thankful to God. I knew that I had done some hard work and I still have hard work ahead of me but without God I wouldn't be this far.

When you are the 'fat' girl and you start to lose all those extra layers of stuff your outside and inside change. Being able to wrap myself in a regular towel is part of my outside change. Loving me right where I am and thanking God for helping me have success is part of the inside change.

As Christmas approaches remember to ask God into all areas of your life. As I open the door of my heart wider He amazes me each day with new things. All things are possible with God the Father. What are you going to ask for help with?

Today is a New Day

2009-12-22T07:45:00.000-08:00

Today is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and eat chocolate! I saw that on a plate at Lifeway and fell in love with the saying. I didn't realize how instrumental that little saying would be to me. That simple, fun saying helps me to realize that each day is new and fresh. What happens today hasn't been written and it doesn't have to be a repeat of yesterday. Today is a new day.

When I woke up this morning it didn't feel any different than yesterday. I awoke to Parker saying "Mom can I play the Wii?" Then the hunt for the missing DS commenced. I was going through the motions just like yesterday. But then I remembered that today is a new day, REJOICE and eat chocolate.

I have found that during our deployment and TDY schedule it becomes very easy to get stuck in the routine of things. All of a sudden 3 days pass and you realize nothing diffferent happened. Routine can be a good thing. Especially for children with deployed parents and it is good for our youngest son who has A.D.D. But remember that there is a difference in being happy in routine and being stuck in a rut. Today is a new day.

Before Christmas vacation began I was stuck in a rut but called it routine. When you home-school it's easy to be home for days and not leave the house. The internet becomes your lifeline to the outside world. At least it is for me. From time to time our internet goes out and I feel like isolation has set in. Today is a new day.

It doesn't matter if your husband is home or gone. Or if you home-school our your children go to traditional shcool. It doesn't matter if you don't know what to cook for dinner and have had that battle for the last 3 nights. What does matter is how you embrace the day. Each day is bountiful and blessed. Even through difficult situations there are blessings. Through deployments, separations, trainings, kids acting out there are blessings. We have look for them. Today is a new day.

Today is your new day. Today is the day you have been asking God for. Rejoice in the day and have a little chocolate too!

Weight Loss Journey

2009-12-21T07:01:00.001-08:00

I'm not sure who said "Weight loss is a journey" but they are right. It is something that most of us struggle with. I don't think I have met many people that don't want to lose weight, get in shape or simply eat better.

Since I have had my children my weight has been a struggle. I never really did much about it until recently. Last year about this time I was going to Weight Watchers meetings. I like the support of the meetings and I enjoy different tips and tricks on what to eat or not to eat. But in February of this year I brought the boys home from school and started home-schooling. Then life happens and we had to move. Not a PCS move just a move to a different house. All weight loss efforts went out the window. Up until the chaos had started I had lost about 40 pounds. Which I was trilled with.

We moved into our new house and our TDY and deployment schedule went crazy. I wasn't sure how I would fit in Weight Watcher meetings and a healthy lifestyle when I could barely find time to shower. Having 4 children involved in activities and the only driver proves difficult some days.

After my annual trip to Women of Faith I had a renewed sense of purpose to get in shape and be healthier. I wish I could tell you what they AH-HA moment was but I really don't know that it was one moment. It was a sense of I can do this. I can do this with God's help. Last year I was completely self reliant. I didn't ask God into my weight loss journey. I felt like I had failed in this area of my life and I had to fix it. I did okay, but still felt like I was missing something.

This time instead of relying on myself I am looking to the Lord. Before I started my current program I had little to no will power. If we had junk in the house I would eat it. If we went out to eat I would order whatever looked good because I felt I deserved it. Truth is, my kids deserve a healthy mom and my husband deserves a healthy wife. The Lord deserves a healthy servant. Not one who hated to be outside or doing little to no physical activity. I deserve to love myself right where I am.

A few weeks ago I purchased a BodyBugg. It's the device that the contestants on the Biggest Loser wear. You can't lie to about how much you moved with this great invention. If you sit all day it says you sat all day! It is a great tool to help on your weight loss journey. One of the things I have learned over the last year is that truly all things are possible with God. He can give you strength when you don't have any left. Some days are still a challenge but instead of looking to food for comfort I am looking to the Lord.

All I Want for Christmas

2009-12-13T19:05:00.001-08:00

The Christmas season is in full swing. We now have our tree up and some gifts underneath. I let go of my OCD and let the kids decorate the house. There are lights and garland everywhere. The kids have lights all over their rooms and the word TA-DA and VIOLA have been bountiful in our home.

The kids are not to patiently waiting for the day when they get to open their presents. Since they are big enough to understand that not all presents come from Santa, most of their presents are already under the tree. The boys are waiting for Christmas Eve so they can put out cookies and wake up surprised and anxious to see what Santa left them.

With all the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season one thing is still missing. My husband, the kids dad, he's still gone for the Christmas season. We continue to carry on with our events and outings but it's always in the back of your mind that the person you love isn't here. I have to say that our kids are troopers. They keep going and going. I'm not sure how they do it some days. Some days I look to them for strength.

As I was cooking dinner last night our youngest daughter came in the kitchen and asked when we were going to go shopping for my present. I replied that I had already bought my present this year. Santa came early for me. I bought a Kitchen Aid Mixer and a BodyBugg, both of which I absolutely love. That answer wasn't good enough for her. Their dad usually takes them shopping for my present. Which is really more of my husband present hunting while trying to keep 4 kids in line during the holiday rush. I'm not sure how much say they really have in the process but it's what they know and remember. So, today I will venture out and try to stay far enough away while the kids pick out that perfect present for me in their dad's absence.

While all the gifts are nice and the food is good all I really want for Christmas is my husband. I would trade all the presents under the tree and give more away if he could be here for Christmas. But since the unit has called him far far away this year, I would like a phone call, lots of laughter, and a sense of peace that this deployment will end soon.

The Lord will answer our Christmas wishes in His time. He answers those wishes all year round. I'm thankful for a God that always listens, is patient as I stomp my feet like a 2 year old and loves me right where I am.

If you are spending your Christmas apart from the ones you love remember that our Heavenly Father always love us and is with us. It's hard to be apart from the ones we love at this time of year but with God all things are possible and we will get through this season and then to the end of the deoployment.

May you have a blessed Christmas Holiday.

Oh Bother

2009-12-04T20:19:00.000-08:00

Ever have one of those days? Sure you have. The day where nothing really went wrong but nothing fantastic happened. That is the way I have felt the last couple of days. Life is normal and boring. Believe it or not, that has been an answer to prayer. I usually have so much excitement that I have been praying for dull and boring. I was very ready for dull and boring. Now that it's here I am not sure I know what to do with it.

Having 4 kids and a deployed husband it seems there is always something to be done or someone that needs to go somewhere. The last couple of days I have managed to get the children to their activities and then back home again.

Tonight our oldest son is having his sleepover for his tenth birthday. I can't believe that he is ten already. Where did the time go? It does make me a little sad that I don't have my husband here to reminisce about 10 years ago........My husband even sent me an email that said the same thing. I usually start about a week before each child's birthday and say 15 year ago Mackenzie wasn't even here yet and work my way down the line of children as birthdays come. Some how it loses effect with the children. They just look at me and smile or giggle. They don't understand.

Tonight as it is relatively quiet for a sleepover night I sit and think what a blessing it has been to have a little dull and boring. I also think about how great it's been that I have been able to sit back and realize it. Thank you Lord for allowing me down time and keeping me still long enough to enjoy it, realize it, and be thankful for it.

My New BodyBugg

2009-11-28T18:15:00.000-08:00

After having packed on some weight from having my children I decided it was time to take charge of my weight loss. I started last year at Weight Watchers. I had pretty good success. I lost about 40 pounds with Weight Watchers. I love the support meetings and the information that Weight Watchers has to offer. But counting points got old for me. I wouldn't track after a while. I knew about how much I could eat everyday and just tried to stay close to that.

Then life happened. We had to move from our rent house and look for some place to live. I told myself and my husband I would be happy if I stayed within 10 pounds of my current weight during the house buying process. I was able to do that. Once we moved and got settled in I decided I would go back to Weight Watchers. I signed up during the promotion so I received a free month of membership. I did okay. I took off the weight that I put back on while I was focusing on moving. But I could feel myself getting stuck in the rut of daily life and the same old same old. Then I found my BodyBugg.

I had seen the BodyBugg on the Biggest Loser. I couldn't imagine tracking your food that way and worrying about how many calories your burn. But I also didn't realize how motivating it is to see how many calories you burn everyday. I, like most Americans, think that we are more active than we really are. Since I home-school two of our children I thought I was moving more than I really was. The BodyBugg was able to show me how active I really am. I am also able to use the online tracking system that tracks how many calories I eat everyday.

I was worried that I would get stuck in a rut with the BodyBugg like I did with Weight Watchers. While I have only had the BodyBugg for a few weeks, one day is never the same as the next. You never burn exactly the same calories. Some days I have more of a challenge to hit my calorie burn than others. I have learned how to workout more effectively to help hit my calorie burn.

I would recommend the BodyBugg system to anyone looking to lose weight. It has been a huge help and it is highly motivating.

Lawn Adventures

2009-11-16T18:37:00.000-08:00

It never fails that when my husband leaves I take on some project. Since we bought our house just a few months ago there has been a lot that we needed to get done. We have some lofty goals but we don't always have the time to complete them.

The thing I hate doing the most when my husband is gone is mowing the yard. In the past we have had a really small yard that didn't take very long to mow and most recently I hired someone to mow it. Then we moved. I would hire someone again in a heart beat. BUT, being stubborn like I am and taking on a sense of ownership with this house, after all it is ours, I decided to mow our yard.

Before the rain of Ida fell upon us I treated a TON of ant mounds. Again, normally I would just hire someone to do this but I wanted to take ownership of it. I have to admit that I did a pretty good job at killing the ants. I had a few new mounds pop up but I was able to make most of them go away.

As I mowed the yard I couldn't believe how much grass/dirt we have to mow. I use the word grass lightly. It's another one of those things that we will have to work at. I definitely got a work out mowing the yard. Once I was done, with the help of the kids, I had such a sense of accomplishment. We did it. We mowed the yard and it looked good. We didn't have the yuckiest looking lawn any more.

For a split second I could see why my husband enjoys working outside. The emphasis on SPLIT. I really think the next time the yard needs tending to I will be calling a lawn service or letting the kids take turns mowing.

Boxes

2009-11-09T18:05:00.000-08:00

With being in the military moving is unavoidable. It comes, sometimes, at a moments notice. With the boxes comes the stickers. Stickers on EVERYTHING. If it makes it to the moving truck it has a sticker. UGH! Those stickers are my enemy. I will find them months and months after a move. Some I didn't find until the movers were putting the new color stickers on for our last move.

When we hear the word boxes we think of military boxes. Boxes in storage or the garage or maybe even those pesky stickers. But do you ever think of the emotion baggage you have as boxes? I sure didn't. Not until this past weekend.

I went to Women of Faith with my girlfriend, her family, and my step-mom. One of the speakers started to talk about a married couple and the baggage that they bring to the relationship. She said it's like having boxes of stuff that you haven't unpacked. She said your boxes can be labeled all different things. For example, moving many times, abused, abandoned, unloved, etc. I sat there and thought I'm not sure I have boxes. Not big boxes anyway. Sure I hate deployment, sure I hate being without a husband and a single parent, but I wouldn't consider it baggage. I didn't think I had baggage that would hinder my personal relationships with people. Then she went on to say that everyone has one box in common. It is labeled " WHERE WERE YOU GOD? or WHERE ARE YOU GOD?" After she said that the tears started to flow. I have that box. It is a rather large box.

It is not a secret in our lives that my husbands constant leaving is taking a toll on me. It is not a secret that I am struggling. I have been very open about it. I didn't realize that all this time I have been saying "WHERE ARE YOU GOD?" Why can't you help me get through this and be that mom/wife with my spirit back? If you can fix all things, why can't you fix me?"

Later in the conference the same speaker said if I asked you "What would make you happy?What would your answer be?" I thought about it. I also thought that it really doesn't apply to me. I am generally happy. I wish my husband was here more, but everyone has something in life they wish for. After the conference and the tearful good-bye to my best friend, my step-mom asked me the same question. "What would your happy look like?" I thought about it and the answer shocked me. My answer was simple-I wanted my Fort Campbell life back. Despite the deployments and trouble with the school I was happy there. I had the best group of women around me that year. One of those women is my best friend. That group of women had my back. They were my battle buddies. The relationships that formed over that year long deployment are still, for the most part, in tact.

Although we have been here for 2 years, I do not have those battle buddies here. I have formed relationships with women but not like I had at Fort Campbell. I know that God has a plan for me. He has a purpose for us being at this duty station. I also know that while I feel like He has left me yelling to the Heavens "WHERE ARE YOU GOD?", He is right here with me. He has my next group of battle buddies lined up waiting to meet me. I'm not sure where they are coming from but I'll be so happy when they are here with me.

Women of Faith

2009-11-04T10:09:00.000-08:00

It's almost time to head to Women of Faith. The plans to go started last year when we were there. Usually the time goes quickly and we are all back together. This year, the last couple of months have seemed to drag on forever. I felt like a teenager waiting to get a driver's license or a small child waiting for Santa.

This weekend is more than just a conference. It is a time to see my best friend and connect with women. It's a time to forget I am a mom. As much as a mom can forget. It's a time to leave all the home stuff at home and just focus on my relationship with God.

I have missed my relationship with God. I have been distant. I know that it is me and not Him. Constant TDY and deployments have started to take their toll on me. I often wonder if it is all worth it. I often wonder when I will feel like my old self again. You know, the person you are when you are at your best. Sure there are a few days here and there that put a wrench in things but that person that stops to enjoy the children being silly, loves being home with everyone here, just feels fulfilled. I have missed that person. I want to get her back. Isolation has been my drug of choice lately. The enemy wants me to believe that I don't matter. That I don't make a difference. I know the truth. Psalms 34:18 says ." The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed."

I never dreamed that saying good-bye to my husband over and over would be this hard. Before we started this part of our Army life I was focused on the home comings not the leaving. But the leaving is what breaks my heart. I have to grieve the loss of my husband again and again. By the time I start to figure out our routine and get in my groove he is home again. Then that opens a new can of worms.

I am excited to see what God has for me. I am blessed to have a wonderful mom who will get on a plane and come and stay with my kids so I can go for a weekend and not have to worry about the kids. I am blessed to spend the weekend in great company. I am blessed that my Heavenly Father is waiting for me. He is waiting to meet me right where I am.

He's Off

2009-11-03T08:28:00.001-08:00

It's been a few days since my husband has left. With all his coming and going I should be used to this by now. He even said those very same words to me right before he left. But deployments and TDY trips never get any easier. They are still trips that take my husband away.

Since most of our recent trips have been TDY, I feel like this trip is that kind of trip. I have to remind myself that this trip is a deployment and it will be longer. I can't really wrap my brain around it. In about 4 weeks I'm sure I will hit some sort of deployment wall. 4 weeks is about the time our Temporary Duty Trips last.

Before my husband left I started working out and counting Weight Watcher points again. I am determined to take off this weight. Truth is I have it left over from having babies! My baby is now 8. I think it's time to part ways with the extra load. So far so good. Before he left I had lost about 40 pounds. Then we had to buy a house, move and get ready for more TDY and deployment. I stopped working out as much. I decided if I could stay within 10 pounds of where I was I would be happy. I have done that. Now it's time to part ways with the last 70 pounds!

To help the weight loss journey, I bought a Wii Fit. It's not a great workout but it does get you moving. Yesterday I bought Biggest Loser workout for Wii. We'll see how that one goes today.

In about 4 weeks I'll need you to keep me motivated!

Retreat

2009-10-19T07:03:00.001-07:00

A few weeks before my husband left for our most recent deployment we had the privelage to attend a marriage retreat in Savannah, GA. The retreat was actually for another squadron in our unit. Last week we received notice that they still had spots available if anyone would like to join them. We found friends to take the children and made all the arrangements to go.

I was nervous about going on this trip. We are close to deployment. It seems that every time we get close to deployment we tend to separate emotionally. I know this is normal. My husband is trying to focus on his mission and the things he needs to do in order to get ready to leave. I am getting ready to be a single parent and carry the household work and children by myself. I didn't want to spend a weekend away from home like this. If we were going away I wanted to connect with my husband.

We arrived in GA very late on Friday, got checked into our room and settled in for the evening. It was so nice to wake up on Saturday with my husband next to me. There weren't any children whispering "mom, can I watch cartoons?" It was just us. We got up and adventrured out to see Savannah for the day. Ted and I just enjoyed being with each other. We were together physcially and emotionally.

The unit had a planned dinner session on Friday and Saturday night. We missed Friday nights session because we arrived so late. God knew what we needed on Saturday. Although we only caught the end of the discussion it helped us answer some questions about deployment and our marriage.

With Ted coming and going so much it makes reconnecting and staying connected hard. It is very easy to fall into a routine of life and not realize that you are only managing the schedule. While we have been aware that we are simply managing the schedule we weren't sure how to get out of that spot. Our weekend away was the answer for us.

Intro

2009-10-14T07:24:00.001-07:00

Let me start by introducing myself. My name is Shannon B and I am the founder of F.R.A.Z.L.E.D. Military Wives Christian Network. We air live on Blog Talk Radio twice a week. I am an Army wife of 10 years and we have 4 children.

While this blog is new, I am not new to blogging. Our shows blog has been the site for me to blog about personal things. I decided that I needed to blog about our day to day adventures in a different place. So here it is!

Hang in there with me as I design the site get it set up.